Update...

... as feared, reducing the dose of dihydrocodeine by half at just lunchtime and early evening had a dramatic efffect.

Only this morning I was basking in the warmth of so many lovely messages saying how much more positive I - that is the blog - has been sounding. It was impossible to believe that I and the author of those posts were one and the same person as I lay on my back this afternoon fighting back (nah - tell it as it is - succumbing to ) the tears and grateful I'd bought fresh packs of ten on the outing to Waitrose at the weekend.

As ever Dave was a star - hugs and hand holding are what you need in these situations. Lovely to have the big kids here too tonight - missing Rachie though. Hope she is reading this and booting up Skype!

Once I'd had the evening dose of morphine things settled down. I need to keep reminding myself how fortunate I am - especially when I hear of other friends whose surgery and post-op recovery has been complicated. I am in good hands, healing well, with loads of support from family and friends. The living room ceiling is getting plastered tomorrow (can't say I'm not jealous...) so we may escape - Sarah and I having suggested to Ian that the Harlequin rather than a Garden Centre may make a nice change :-)

So hopefully a decent night's sleep ahead - can but dream!

Much love to you all

Linda xxx

Down with the Drugs

Just a quick blog to say that I've seen my lovely GP today and she is understandably anxious about the huge quantities of controlled and Class A drugs that I continue to consume each week (still over 200 pills...)

And so the time has come to think about reducing them. Well not just to think exactly. To reduce them...

We had a nice little chat and I volunteered to come off the Voltarol - never much liked it anyway. But she was honest and said she really isn't that fussed about me taking it. I've also given up Oromorph but that is kind of cheating as haven't taken it for a week. I'm not taking any more lactulose since it started making me vomit so what's left? Well paracetamol of course but the bottom line is morphine, dihydrocodeine and diazepam are what really need to go. We've agreed it will be the dihydrocodeine first - and we'll just half the dose. But it still feels pretty scary to be reducing the analgesia when the pain wasn't quite under control before :-(

Mr Tucker assures me the physio and hydrotherapy will help with the pain.Meanwhile I have become chronically dependent upon my hot water bottle.

May blog again later if anything exciting happens. Was nice to bump into a friend in Ricky and have a chat - reminds me there's life outside these walls. I've written some more letters and even done some knitting - things looking up for sure.

Must go - am missing Countdown :-)

x

Keep on keeping on...

...that seems to be the general message from all you lovely people who keep messaging me in response to the blog. I'm not sure if there are still issues commenting or if you are just shy but either way thank you - your support means so much and I feel a lot less lonely with you all there.

Today it is not the rib pain but the scapula pain that is driving me insane. I think I could write a poem there - but let's not bother. Suffice to say it hurts in a scarily horrible fashion. Heat (oh how I love my hot water bottle) and rest seem to be the only way to get any relief - I am hastily typing this whilst waiting for the pain to start again and cause me to stop. GP tomorrow for discussion re analgesia and fearful she will wish to reduce drugs when pain barely controlled - another one for prayers and positive vibes please...

I wrote a few more letters today. It is possible yours is in the pile on my dressing table. Sadly I am missing a lot of postal addresses so it could be a challenge getting them to you but I've overcome a few challenges in the past few weeks so what's this one? I have faith in the power of Google/Facebook/Christian Aid/ the good old grapevine - I will get your letter to you somehow!

I heard from someone this weekend who for various beautifully expressed reasons is closing their Facebook account and thinks perhaps they are "analogue" rather than "digital." I wonder if perhaps I am a little bit like that. I've really enjoyed replying to your lovely cards with pen and paper - though I am appalled at how bad my handwriting has become. I'm not quite ready to give up on Facebook - but not that far from it maybe...

Other than that today's highlight was a trip back to the Garden Centre for more Pond Repair supplies. The pond is drained, repaired, refilled, thank goodness. Apparently Keegan was a huge help and had lots of fun finding the frogs - I don't want to know any more thank you.

Just had dinner - worthy of mention as definitely enjoying food more (assuming yesterday was a blip...). Maybe lack of Oromorph, maybe Ian getting familiar with Jamie ...? Settled in bed now with plenty of tissues ready to watch the tribute to Stephen Gately. Boyzone, Westlife and Robbie on the same bill (and Bono it is rumoured...). I'm sure some of you have opinions about my musical and viewing tastes - please feel free to keep them to yourself just for the moment if that's okay? Thanks :-)

Right - pain has kicked in along with Ronan's opening vocals so will say goodnight for now. Look forward to hearing from lots of you soon...

Linda xxx

Saturday

Good morning,

I stayed awake till late watching Sports Relief online. I had no idea you could watch TV on the laptop with headphones - thanks for that Dave! wish I had known a few weeks ago but never mind, hopefully a few less nights ahead of lying in the dark listening to Ian asleep and wishing somehow I could find my own way to Dreamland.

Determined to blog today but not sure why. Not going to rush it - have twenty minutes now before an "appointment" (detail not for the faint hearted...) and out of interest I have my newest most favourite hot water bottle tucked under my right arm. The heat is easing the pain slightly but holding the bottle there is also stopping me moving my arm which is again helping a wee bit. I can feel the stabbing pain in my scapula still - that was there pre-op. A bit disappointing if that's not going anywhere - perhaps something for you prayerful and positive vibing people. Thanks.

Obviously I've not blogged properly for a week or so. Thanks to those who have reminded me to look after number one (So tempted to chuck in a number two joke there - let's not...) and not worry about updating you all. Thing is though, I still feel like when this is all over I want to sit down with a nice glass/bottle/magnum of champagne and read it from start to finish to remind myself where we have been. Even looking back a few weeks I should be able to see some progress - so I want to keep on top of this. The thing is - last week was just so absolutely ghastly and it is quite difficult to work out why.

Maybe it is okay just to draw a line and accept it was rubbish, rather than wear myself out trying to decide on the reason. So many possibilities - drugs, constipation (oh we do rather keep coming back to that - sorry...), boredom, rubbish TV, pain, whatever... fact is I hope this week is a bit better and I hope I don't have another week like last one.

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A brief interlude there. The laptop crashed and we popped out for the "appointment". The exciting news just now is that Ian's making scrambled eggs on toast a la Jamie Oliver. Do I detect a touch of male competition Chez Anderson these days? Since's Dave's Mother's Day miracle I've enjoyed a considerable number of interesting and tasty meals - are they vying for Masterchef? Have to say though - at the risk of offending the others - Paul popped in on Thursday and his Vegetable Lasagne really was rather marvellous. Practice I guess.

So - how to sum up the week. Would be a shame not to have on record for example the trip to a couple of Garden Centres on Thursday. Thought we needed a new pond liner but great news (and huge thanks to the staff there...) it is patch-able. Hoorah. The thought of emptying the pond, keeping the fish away from Keegan, patching the liner, re-filling etc etc etc sounds like a whole load of fun - doesn't it...?

We also bought seed potatoes and various veg seeds and stuff for the vegetable patch. Hard to look back and think this time last year I was out there digging it over, planning and planting (well - almost). This year gardening, along with everything else, will be a spectator sport only :-(

We also paid a visit to the Aquadrome in Ricky. What this and the Garden Centre we stopped at have in common is a tea shop. These places seem to be springing up everywhere. It is no longer possible to simply go to a shop, for a walk, to a DIY emporium, a Garden Centre, to stock up on paint and paper or pea sticks and compost. Everywhere you go these days you are enticed to buy tea/cappucino and "home made" cakes (at whose whom exactly are they made I ask myself.....)

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Another interlude. After the eggs (very good by the way - well done Ian -perhaps a touch more seasoning next time....?) I slept. For three hours. How is it possible to sleep so much? I know that less sleep during the day should equate to more sleep during the night but it just doesn't work like that. Sleep needs to be grabbed when it offers itself and this afternoon I gratefully succumbed to three hours with no pain and no rugby...

Then we popped to Waitrose - which makes my earlier post out to be a lie. No coffee shop. Thank goodness! It takes me long enough to walk around a supermarket as it is without the distraction of coffee and cake. When you have spent six weeks trapped within four walls supermarket shelves can be a source of huge interest you know. Ian trudged along behind me with the trolley until I realised the trolley can in fact be a zimmer frame in disguise and stole it from him. Which meant we took even longer as I was more easily able to inspect and deliberate and try to decide what I might fancy. Turns out it's jacket potato and salad for dinner again but at least I did inspect the options - my taste buds just aren't what they used to be. Has to be said though they have improved since I stopped using Oromorph - that seemed to be the main cause of the oral thrush too. Good job too as we only have a dozen or so value toothbrushes left...

Well all the excitement and the blogging and now the news via text from my mum that Daniel Craig is on TV tonight have quite worn me out. I'm cheating anyway - writing this flat on my back which is problematic even if it means my arm hurts less. What happened to my touch typing skills? I remember just after the op telling the anaesthetist that they seemed to have gone - hoping still it is drug related and I won't have to re-learn :-(

Dinner will be here soon - rather than another interlude let's call it a day. This is a pretty long blog after a rather barren week. Just a final very Happy Birthday wish to my lovely friend Lara. Wish I were dancing the night away at the party - or at least sipping my first glass of champagne - but now I am starting to sound like Liesl....

Au revoir...

Linda xxx

Today...

... well technically yesterday... I achieved very little on my "to do" list. Reason? I slept. Most of the day. All morning, most of the afternoon, and then this evening. And of course now I cannot sleep. Grrr....

Neither can I blog now as the noise will keep Ian awake. So I shall lie here and - thanks to Dave cleverly showing me how - I will watch Sport Relief online.

And tomorrow I will do all - or some of - those things I planned to do today - or rather yesterday...

Perhaps this will teach me to slow down and be more patient. Perhaps it will just drive me nuts - if I am not already :-)

x

Tomorrow...

... I will blog.

I will also try and reply to some of the many lovely emails waiting in my inbox.

I am also going to get back to writing some more letters as I bought some lovely new notelets when we visited a local garden centre today.

That is the sort of list that used to take me till around 10am. Bearing in mind I also have to factor in at least a couple of hours for shower/hair wash/getting dressed/make up/pill taking and another couple for the time it takes me to slowly chew my food in the hope I may manage to eat and digest something that is now looking like one very ambitious day!

I usually have a good hours nap in the morning and another late afternoon so quite how I fit it all in I am not sure but I am going to give it a go!

By the way and whilst writing - someone commented to me this week on how my hair has grown. Those of you that I did not see just pre-op may not know that I had it cut short in the hope of making it more manageable - though you may have noticed from the photos I have posted. Well - the big challenge now is how to deal with the "growth" and I am open to creative ideas bearing in mind I can bend my back neither backwards nor forwards over a sink or bath. We do have a couple of ideas up our sleeve but if anyone has any advice it would be very gratefully received...

For now - good night and will blog tomorrow. Definitely. xxx

Sorry for the Silence

Thank you to everyone who has messaged me - in whatever way - since Sunday. Many of you have commented on the silence here on the blog. Special thanks to those who've assured me you are thinking of and praying for me anyway - that means a lot. And sorry I have not replied to many of your texts or emails.

Typing- and texting - is increasingly painful. Physically - I guess the muscles under my right arm were cut where the rib was removed to make room for my spine to be rotated and it must be taking some time to heal. For someone who enjoys writing as much as I do this is a real issue and I am getting to the point where I may consider voice recognition software. However that feels like an admission of defeat so I thought maybe a few days rest then try again.

But writing is also difficult emotionally. Any of you that have spoken to me on the phone, skype or in person cannot fail to have noticed how tearful I am. Thank heaven for "Wilko Handy Tissues". It is difficult to talk about how I feel and it's the same writing - even typing this now I have my little pack of ten (tissues) never far from my side.

Being a thoughtful and analytical sort of person I could try and work out why I am so tearful. I hesitate to use the word "depressed" as this does feel to me like a pretty standard reaction to a whole load of circumstances and not therefore a medical condition requiring treatment.

One factor may be the introduction of diclofenac to my drug regime. It has never really agreed with me and we did agree to review it today or tomorrow. Another may be the constipation - I know that to date I have tried to couch this in more discrete language but let's call a spade a spade if that is okay. It seems to me obvious that such a build up of toxins in anyone's body is going to cause problems - not to mention the physical discomfort.

Then there is the lack of appetite - not helped by the above or the general nasty taste in my mouth caused by the drugs - still over 200 a week. Lack of exercise doesn't help here either.

And after six weeks there is the general fear that this will never end. For all the doctors said it seems impossible to believe the pain is still as bad. Lack of sleep, boredom - I could go on - there are just so many reasons not to be cheerful at the moment. And on top of everything else our darling Guinea Pig died yesterday - those of you that knew Leo will understand what a loss that is to the family - he was a real character who- remarkable as it may seem - communicated with us in his inimitable squeaking way whenever he wanted something such as a stick of cucumber. Keegan - the cat - is clearly missing him too. Dave was very brave in conducting the funeral last night but I did manage to get out into the garden to pay my respects - a very sad time.

There are of course reasons to be cheerful too - lots of lovely flowers on the windowsill, dozens of cards that are now hanging up - I'll try to take a photo later - and between them all the family have made a real effort with the food. Dave's scrambled eggs would still win masterchef but Ian's risotto was pretty good, along with nanny's cauliflower cheese and Sarah's creamed leeks...

And the main reason to be cheerful of course is that "it" is over. To my dear friends anticipating surgery - I hope this does not sound too difficult and of course you are younger than me! Everyone's experience is different and the main thing of course is that once the surgery is out of the way it is all about the recovery and no longer worrying about the deterioration and longer term prognosis.

The sun is shining today so hopefully we will get out for a bit later. First I am going to sleep. As I still don't sleep well at night ( I long for the day I can sleep on my side and snuggle up properly) I usually have a nice nap after a bite of breakfast and some painkillers. It was lovely to speak to Rachel on Skype this morning but I am quite tired out now - may even miss Phil and Holly :-(

I'm sorry this post is neither particularly interesting nor cheerful but thank you to those who are still following. Perhaps a huuuuuuuuge flood of prayer and positive thoughts may help me snap out of my self pity - please do go for it.

Will try to resume the daily blogs - or even post something later. Meanwhile have a lovely day and thank you for being there.

xxx