Six Month Check Up

Hi everyone,

I've just re-read my last post where I said that I would blog again in a couple of weeks. Ooops - that was the middle of May and here we are at the end of July. I am sorry, doesn't time fly when you are having fun.....?

Joking apart, the last couple of months have been eventful and it feels only right to update those of you that I haven't been in touch with. The most significant event probably was going to see a pain management specialist. This was suggested by Amy, my wonderful physiotherapist, and thanks to my private medical insurance I was able to see him within a matter of days.

Doctor Berman took a full history, examined me, and was very reassuring. Just to hear someone agree that you have been through a massive surgery and are bound to be in a lot of pain makes a tremendous difference. He gave us an hour of his time and laid out the options, of which there were many. The first thing to try was a daily dose of amitryptiline and to date this has proven to be effective. It took a few weeks to kick in but it now takes the edge of the pain and also seems to make other painkillers such as paracetamol more effective. It also helps to ensure a decent nights sleep.

It's not without its side effects of course - fluid retention and a dry mouth being the most obvious. but at present they seem a smallish price to pay for some relief and compared to the last post the pain is much more manageable.

I saw Mr Tucker yesterday for my six month check up and he is clearly delighted with the results of his handiwork! The scar is healing and fading well, I have a reasonable amount of flexibility in my back (still can't touch my toes though!), and the correction is very good. I was explaining to him how I used to look for clothes in the petite department as I was so short waisted, the gap from my bra to my belt was practically non existent. Now it is a real novelty to have a waist and yesterday I brought a dress which I shall belt to emphasise this!

He went on to say that the conversations he has with teenagers about this surgery are completely different from those he has with adults. He then went so far as to say that having this done at 50 is completely different from having this done at 40! He made no secret of just how tough it is in a way that he wouldn't have done pre-surgery. He seemed to be congratulating me on toughing it out.

We skimmed over the pain issue somewhat - in some ways I hate to raise the subject as in every other respect the surgery was successful and it seems churlish to be complaining! However there are days when I want to scream and shout or thump something because I have simply had enough of it. The answer of course is to stay calm and take a painkiller, and it has to be said the post op pain responds more readily to these than the pain before the surgery ever did. Mr Tucker expects there to be an improvement in the pain as he feels it is still "early days" after such massive surgery!

I plan to return to work on 1st September and of course I am looking forward to seeing everyone again - though I have tried to visit the office on a weekly basis so that the first day/week back is not too overwhelming and emotional. When I take the train into town I am always reminded that it isn't going to be easy but as with everything else it's about taking one day at a time.

If you'd like to see the journey in pictures here's a link to a few - enjoy!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=199799&id=734375349&l=a0bdb10202

That's enough rambling for now - thanks if you have been reading this and for all your continued support and prayers.

Linda xxx

Middle of May

Hello there,

I hope the news that I am posting hasn't popped up as an unexpected and unwelcome alert in your inbox! Just re-reading my last post there is a certain finality about it, and when I wrote it I genuinely felt that I had come to the end of the road as far as this blog is concerned.

However I am aware that some of you are very kindly still checking in from time to time, and I am touched by this and by all the messages and texts I still receive. I therefore thought that perhaps I should post an update here from time to time to let you all know how things are progressing.

We left things in a very positive place but unfortunately that seems to have been the calm before something of a storm. Just a week after seeing Mr Tucker I was emailing his secretary with various questions. Mainly to do with the increased levels of pain I am experiencing - and my fear that this means something is wrong.

It is really too early to know if there is a problem with the fusion - one of the things I find so difficult is not being able to relax and know that all will be well. It is also hard to know how much of the pain is still post-operative and how much I will need to learn to live with. I suspect when I saw Mr Tucker there was still some morphine masking things but once that had gone I was aware of a "pulling" feeling where the curve is being stretched out, of nerve pains where the nerves are re-growing, of tenderness and aching where my rib was removed, and of the general feel of the metalwork in my back. The pain is there all the time and I long for some respite from it.

Mr Tucker assures me much of it is muscular as my muscles scream at being used again. I have started hydrotherapy and been swimming (rather unsuccessfully to be honest!) and every extra bit of exercise makes the pain worse. He suggested Voltarol as well as paracetamol. Today I have sneaked in a teensy bit of codeine too. I am trying to wean myself off my hot water bottle after the incident I cannot remember which led to the nasty burn on my back. Presumably I fell asleep on top of it at some point and didn't feel anything due to the numbness of my skin :-(

The worst thing of all however was the ghastly depression I experienced at the tail end of the withdrawal. I wouldn't wish such an experience on my worst enemy - the horrible bleak black dark empty misery and crying for days. It has lifted now - though it leaves you feeling fragile and I still cry easily and often - and I understand it is another common symptom of drug withdrawal. I have learnt so much these past few months - much of which I didn't want to learn!

I want to go back to work but that is in the hands of HR and the Occupational Health department. I have another couple of weeks signed off and to be honest it's probably 50/50 whether I will be fit enough. I miss everyone, I miss Christian Aid especially this week, and I miss London.

However - the big exciting news is that tonight I am in fact going to London to meet Sarah, Jayne and Jemma and go to the O2. Our Christmas pressie :-) The journey has been meticulously planned, the painkillers timed, the restaurant with the comfiest seats has been booked. I can't wait to enjoy a proper evening out and fully expect to cry my eyes out.

Do please keep in touch -I always enjoy hearing from you and thank you so much to those who have come to visit, sent cards, emails, texts - means a lot.

Will post again in a week or two.

Linda x

What a difference a day (or two) makes

Good news. The worst of the withdrawal symptoms appear to have abated. No longer lying in sweat soaked sheets shivering, aching, unable to sleep and constantly vomiting. Diarrhoea has subsided, headache almost gone and slept six hours last night...

Even better news... Went for my twelve week check with Mr Tucker this afternoon. X rays show a good correction (along with every one of the fourteen two and a half inch screws!) but a bit early I think to see if the bones are fusing (apparently that appears as a "haze").

Mr Tucker asked what painkillers I am taking and when I told him was astonished. "Is that all?" being his reaction. He did ask me if I had gone "cold turkey" and his face was a picture as he clearly knew what that would have meant for me. I hastily explained I would always have opted to get it over with quickly rather than drag things out over several weeks or months, but accepted it is not what he would have advised :-)

And so - it's okay to have a bath - hoorah! To swim - how good will that be! Not to wear the brace - Hallelujah! And I can even drive - a miracle! Only restriction now is no heavy lifting, and obviously to listen to my body and not overdo it or my muscles will "scream".

Home now - cleaned out the bath with Dave's help (no one has used it for three months - the boys all like to shower...) and cannot wait to fill it with fragrant warm water and soak in the bubbles. Alas that is not to be just yet as Ian does need to be in the house in case I get stuck!

Will go for a swim tomorrow - hopefully. There is a warm pool next to the hospital in Stanmore which is heated to 32 degrees especially for spinal patients. And may just have a little glass of wine to celebrate all of this too.

In many ways this seems a better place to leave this blog. I'm signed off for another month which will be spent exercising, building up my muscles and strength. There's a lot to be done in terms of building up my confidence too - you don't go through something like this and emerge unscathed - or maybe you do but I didn't. It's knocked me quite simply for six and it will take a while to be the person I was. Or maybe I won't be that person but someone different - our experiences make us the person we are and this has to be up there with the big ones.

I'm pleased I kept this blog - I still haven't read it myself and think I probably need to sit myself down with that glass of wine and a box of tissues and do so slowly, carefully, prayerfully. Thank you to all those that have read it and shared the journey, who have commented or contacted me after reading, and who have held me in your prayers and thoughts over so many weeks.

I've re-discovered a real passion for writing and when I stopped this blog a few weeks ago continued to keep a journal which will I think be part of an ongoing journey of self discovery for many more weeks, months or even years to come.

I feel I am about to enter rambling mode so will finish now with, yet again, my love and thanks to you all.

Linda xx

It's been a while...

... but I thought I would just post an update on here as many of you have been kind enough to say that you miss the blog, or have asked how I am doing. Thank you.

The past few weeks haven't always been easy but I guess I've made slow progress. Funny now to look back on the early days with rose-tinted specs - I don't remember the pain much at all, but I do remember sleeping lots, lying in bed, not worrying about anything (much!)

Things are going well enough but there is no way I will be back to work this week which was the original plan. I'm still in considerable discomfort, and badly need to exercise and build up my strength and stamina. I also need to build up my confidence as it's so true what they say about how something like this affects you emotionally. I went out on my own for the first time yesterday - just a walk to the library - it was a real effort and I burst into tears the first time someone spoke to me!

I've had a shockingly ghastly week since taking my last dose of morphine too - worth mentioning as a warning in case anyone else ever finds themselves on strong opiates. Please don't do what I did - I was naive and thought that if I stopped the tablets the pain would increase. That I thought I could cope with, and planned then to switch to something milder once I knew what the level of pain actually was without the drugs.

I didn't expect sweats, chills, shivers, diarrhoea, vomiting, aching all over, insomnia, restless legs, itching and constant uncontrollable crying. But that is what I got. Hopefully at the tail end of all that now but still unable to eat more than a tablespoon or so of food and surviving on smoothies and soup.

So as well as gaining two inches I have lost - oh I've no idea - at least a stone. There's room for two of me in most of my clothes and whilst many see this as a good thing it freaks me out. I know I need good nutrition for the fusion to "take" and would love to look forward to and enjoy a nice meal. Hopefully that is more likely now I am not taking morphine.

So - signed off for another month but my aim in the coming weeks - if my consultant agrees tomorrow - is to become more mobile, exercise some more, start to get out in the garden and see some friends. I was pre-warned that I would not feel up to visitors for a while and that has been so true. Thank you to those who have popped in and put up with my tearful ramblings, and apologies to anyone else - perhaps now might be the time if you do fancy a visit so I'd love to get a text or email from you.

Won't ramble any more for now, thanks all for your continued support, prayers, positive vibes and messages.

With love

Linda x

Maybe, maybe not...

I'm not sure if I am going to carry on blogging.

Just lately it's felt a bit "samey" with little to laugh - or even smile - about.

There's stuff in my head I'd quite like to get straight but I am not sure this is the place, maybe I will take a break.

Meanwhile - I googled this evening to see if there were any other online accounts of how long it takes to recover from scoliosis surgery. I found a really useful site (I've already written to thank the author) and I really admire her honesty. If you'd like to get a feel of what I've not managed to say check out http://www.scoligirl.com/index.htm but in particular the post op and extended recovery pages.

She's much braver than me when it comes to constipation, and more honest when it comes to shaving your legs :-)

I'd like to hear from you as if I don't blog for a while I can still email you updates. Perhaps when things feel more positive I'll give it another shot. Maybe this is just a stop at the Motorway Services on the Journey to recovery. The Little Chef of Looking for Linda maybe?

Au revoir

x

It's a Small World...

I can't resist a quick post to explain the comments on the last one...

I'm not feeling good about googling images - I know I should be out there taking my own photos but just now that's a real challenge. However - some good has come of it!

There I was googling daffodils and it brought up a blog site with links to some other blogs. I recognised a name, clicked through, and sure enough it was someone I have come to know through the scoliosis support organisation. What were the chances in the vastness of cyberspace? It wasn't like I was googling back problems or scoliosis - just daffodils!

So lovely to have magnumlady's blog to follow now - and I am inspired to get out there with my camera tomorrow and take some pics of my own (yours are amazing!)

Been a looooooong day and as expected dinner was the pitta bread and hummus. Dave coming down with a cold and feeling lousy. One for the p and pv people please - the last thing I want or need right now is a dose of those germs :-( Ian not due home for another two hours so going to sleep and see if he can sneak in without waking me up...

Night night all xx

Spring has Sprung but...

The sun is shining and I expect many of my lovely colleagues - and friends and family elsewhere - are envious of me sitting in the garden enjoying this early spring sunshine.

The reality is so different - and I feel a little more honesty than usual coming on here! I am stuck in bed and Ian is on another of those stupidly long late shifts. So he left at 1.30pm and won't be home till 12.30am. Grrrrr.....

Reason I am not in the garden? Well the patio door is rather heavy to slide open for starters, but the main problem is we don't have a comfy garden chair. This will be rectified - I've asked Ian to buy me one for my birthday! But until then it would be very uncomfortable sitting out there on an ordinary chair, and trying to get in and out of a deckchair would be impossible - and hilarious.

Whilst I'm trying to reduce the painkillers the pain is pretty bad (note the subtle understatement there...) so the last thing I need is not to be comfy. I'm going to stay here on my memory foam mattress with my hot water bottle.

Went for my physio this morning ie: a walk in Ricky and round Waitrose. So frustrating (yes this post is a bit of a self indulgent misery fest) as I picked up various things and realised they would end up in the compost bin in three days time having passed their sell by date without being cooked or eaten :-( Fresh green beans - yum - but cannot lift a pan of boiling water. Nice stir fry perhaps? Nope - can't lift the wok! Ended up with a few ready meals but reality is I'll eat pitta bread and hummus or french bread and brie with some dried apricots and activia yoghurt for obvious reasons :-)

Were it not the Easter holidays of course Dave would be home at 3.30 ready to rustle up something to rival Dhruve (still gutted for Alex.) But he's out and about somewhere with his mates - as I often say to my inner-city friends this is Enid Blyton country! We live by a canal and river, next to a natural moor. There are endless woods and orchards nearby and a huge park with trains, pools, activity things and a cafe. There's public transport - bus and tube - into Watford and Harrow for cinema and shops (slightly less Enid Blyton). The children really have grown up going off on their bikes and coming back when they are hungry. Though they don't even do that since they opened a kebab shop at the top of the road! Hmmm......

No point moaning - hopefully the weather will hold out until I get a nice luxurious sun lounger and besides Ian only has to do three of these horrid shifts. I shall catch up on some reading, some letter writing and maybe (to please the Boss) have another go at the West Wing :-)

If all else fails there are a lot of Easter Eggs around and I have lost rather a lot of weight....!

x

ps: I am not sure but somehow something happened and a screen came up with something about networked blogs and next thing this is one of them and some of you are being asked to verify I am the author. I really don't "get" what this is all about and the rather scary thing is people seem to be asked to "rate" this blog. Blimey - I am starting to feel the stress the Masterchef finalists were under. This was never intended as a literary masterpiece - simply a way of inviting a few friends to share the journey - what have I got myself into....?