Everything changes...

Anyone else noted how I love to title my blog with a lyric or three from Take That? Not always a conscious decision if I am honest, maybe their lyrics have an uncanny knack of capturing the zeitgeist, perhaps they are drilled into my subconscious, maybe it's nothing more than chance that means my blog posts begin with words from the greatest band in the history of the world (discuss...)

Meanwhile, to change. Apologies for lack of posts recently - have been totally taken up with job applications. Completing forms, attending interviews, coping with rejection, feedback, disappointment. It's been hideous and I am not yet ready to blog the detail, I need to find a way of expressing the learning and understanding of how it is to feel hurt and rejected without sounding negative, critical, harsh or unreasonable.

What I would like to place on record is the sense of freedom and liberation there is to be found if you can move beyond the disappointment, rejection, hurt and anger. I'm not saying that all is well - put it this way I am still thanking God for waterproof mascara. But I am beginning to see the openings and possibilities, one of which was the agreement today that I will write for our local news magazine on a monthly basis. This possibly and perhaps makes me almost a journalist - woo hoo ;-)

Money - lack of it - is clearly going to be an object. Massively. I've yet to see how we'll manage with that one but know many who do. Increasingly "Less is More" is the refrain in my brain and I'm excited to see how this works out in practice.

I'm planning to blog more and would value your comments and feedback, feels like there is a lot to learn and looking forward to it.... x

We want the same thing

What the hell is wrong with you tonight?

I can't seem to say or do the right thing

Wanted to be sure you're feeling right

Wanted to be sure we want the same thing

Anyone remember those inimitable words from the legend that was Joe Jackson? Meant a lot to me as a teen/twenty something, and I was reminded of them this morning.

I was privileged to attend the memorial service for John Stott at St Paul's Cathedral this morning. Tube delays meant I was rushing to the cathedral through the Occupy LSX camp ten minutes before the service was due to start, but even in my panic I found myself looking at the tents and thinking "What would Uncle John make of all this?"

The service was outstanding in every aspect. Archbishops of York and Canterbury were joined by Bishops of London and elsewhere. Music from the All Souls orchestra and choir literally sent shivers down even this fused and fragile spine. As they rounded off the service with Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance you could almost feel Uncle John looking down with a wry smile at his choice of final music - and the impromptu and rapturous applause confirmed the congregation's approval.

When Mark Greene from LICC spoke he began with a reference to the camp outside, asking the question "What would Uncle John make of it all?" I agreed with all he had to say, but also had an overwhelming feeling that it would be totally wrong to come to St Paul's (a very special place for me throughout my life), attend the service and walk away. Touched by the music, prayers and tributes but not by the reality that is the Occupy camp.

How to engage with the movement didn't really cross my mind other than it was an imperative. I left the cathedral in search of caffeine and having heard that many of the protesters frequent Starbucks headed in that direction. Passing the library tent I stopped briefly to say hello to the young woman sitting on a stool there - introducing myself as from Christian Aid and mentioning that only this week I wrote to about 4500 church ministers with an update on our response to the Occupy movement.

Immediately she asked someone to cover her position and suggested we go on a tour of the camp. We chatted for probably an hour - during which I was given a steaming mug of tea from the well organised kitchen, and made comfortable in the welfare tent (pictured).

There isn't time or space to document our conversation here. But I understand better her vision of an alternative and equitable society, and her frustration at trying to change things from within that has led to her anarchist beliefs. She was interested in Christian Aid's new strategy which will focus on addressing power imbalance as a major cause of poverty. We talked about literature from Lord of the Flies to Brave New World and laughed over similarities with The Borrowers. We agreed on recycling and freecycling, on the hideousness of a disposable throwaway culture, and debated the welfare state, education and healthcare, and who exactly is the "they" that this movement is railing against.

Within the space of three or four hours I had experienced two deeply spiritual experiences. Both of them left me with plenty of food for thought and writing so expect to see more on here in the coming days. As ever thanks for reading - it's such a privilege to have this blog from which to throw a few thoughts into cyberspace and I never cease to be amazed at how many of you take a look - thank you!

Hi everyone,

Huge apologies for the recent silence. I won't try and explain or make excuses as if you know me well you'll know why it is. If you don't and want to get in touch that would be great but I don't want to bore you!

I've just written an article for Backbone - the SAUK newsletter. I'm reasonably happy with it and have sent it over to them tonight, but thought that posting it here might also be helpful. I'm very conscious of the number of people I know that are anticipating surgery or recovering from it and if anything I say or write can help someone then I want to get it out there!

I will write more on another subject soon but for now here is the Backbone article - along with my love and best wishes for a very Happy New Year.

I clearly remember being asked to bend over and touch my toes. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that but it was obvious that something significant was wrong by the reaction of the school nurse and my mother.

I’m not sure exactly how old I would have been – around 12/13 I guess – and the occasion was a school medical. Back in the days of nit nurses, sight and hearing tests and BCGs for all – already you may have guessed that I’m not a typical two year post-op scoliosis patient! That medical was probably four decades ago now, and just the beginning of what has been a long and winding road. Much like my spine.

The diagnosis of adolescent idiopathic scoliosis – AIS – was confirmed at the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital at Bolsover Street. The following months – or was it years – seem to blur into one when I look back and remember the appointments, x rays, measurements and eventually the decision to go for surgery and hearing it would be a wait of around three months.

I’m not absolutely sure why the operation never went ahead. I guess my parents decided the risks outweighed the benefits. I seem to recall the doctors emphasising the dangers of surgery at that time. I wasn’t in pain – I hadn’t even been aware that there was an issue. Once it was pointed out though I did of course become aware of the rib hump, and increasingly self-conscious. I stopped wearing skimpy tops or vests, or bikinis, or horizontal stripes, or anything that drew attention to it. Underwear didn’t fit properly and straps slid off my shoulder.

No one will ever be able to say for sure that the two were related but is it altogether surprising that I went on to develop an eating disorder that resulted in three months hospitalisation? If anorexia is related to self-esteem and how you view your body then there was enough going on to keep any psychologist in business – though sadly at the time no one seemed to make the connection and self-starvation took precedence over spinal curvature.

One very vivid memory from those teenage years is that of the visits to the osteopath. I’m unsure if they were intended to help the pain – which I don’t actually recall – or an attempt to correct the curve. What I do remember is a dark and –to a teenage girl – evil smelling room lined with shelves of herbs and embrocations. Stripping to my underwear in order to be swung around by a middle aged/elderly gentleman was something I hated with a vengeance.

Fast forward to my early twenties and I married the man who was to be my husband for thirty years last time I looked! The very first wedding dress I tried on had a lace “cape” that fell from the shoulders to my waist perfectly disguising the hump I was now so conscious of as I stood at the altar. And that was to set the pattern for the next twenty something years, as life would be about avoiding, disguising and denying my scoliosis.

Over the years I gave birth to four children – natural drug free deliveries, two at home. Having been told an epidural would be problematic I made sure I was well prepared. Back pain was by now an on-going and increasing problem but visits to my GP usually resulted in a prescription for painkillers and perhaps a few sessions of physio. Plus one painful and unsuccessful attempt at acupuncture!

A significant turning point came at the grand age of 50. For some time I had experienced problems with my breathing and I was a regular user of both “blue” and “brown” inhalers. A particularly bad “episode” led me to seek medical advice and co-incidentally I attended an SAUK conference at around the same time. I asked for a referral to a scoliosis specialist.

Some weeks passed and I wondered if I would ever hear anything. When I did however it was exactly what was required. My brilliant GP had successfully bypassed the orthopaedic surgeon at our local general hospital and I was to be seen at Stanmore Orthopaedic – a centre of excellence.

My first appointment was incredibly positive. I had a severe – but correctable – curve and was sent for MRI and bone scans with a view to corrective surgery. This came as a huge shock after so many years and not having considered the possibility of a correction, but initially I felt quite positive especially when it came to the cosmetic improvement I could expect.

The scan results were less encouraging - when I went to see my consultant again he spelt out the risks in no uncertain terms. My 66 degree curve was progressing rapidly and would require two surgeries a week or so apart. I could expect to be in hospital for a month, with possible side effects including chest infection and paralysis. I left the consultation in turmoil, unsure what to do, but decided a second opinion was the sensible way forward.

And that was the best decision I ever made. Stewart Tucker reviewed my notes, surveyed my scans and concluded my curve “does not look too daunting”. He would operate in two weeks time, anterior and posterior surgery in one day, and I should be out of hospital in two weeks.

Details of what happened next can be found on my blog www.lookingforlinda.blogspot.com

I made it my mission to write something (almost) every day – from the angst over whether to undergo surgery through the hospitalisation to recovery and beyond. I really hope that you would like to join the many people who chose to join me on the journey by reading the blog, but if not then I’ll try to summarise in a sentence or two.

Scoliosis surgery was the biggest challenge of my life. I’ve heard it said that the only surgery more difficult is a heart and lung transplant and can well believe that. Having given birth to four babies with just a whiff of gas as pain relief I have never known pain such as that post op. Thank God for the wonderful nurses, and the drugs, that can control it and help you towards recovery.

Almost two years post op I feel as if I am finally “getting my life back”. Pain is no longer the single uppermost thought on waking and throughout the day. The post-traumatic stress is receding. I absolutely adore wearing dresses and have bought way too many over the past months!

Suddenly life is stretched out before me in a way it hasn’t been for some time. This time last year – and the one before – I welcomed the New Year with tears. This year it will be with a smile. I’d love to talk to you more about scoliosis if it’s something that affects your life so please find me online. Lindaaanderson (Twitter) or Lindaanneanderson (FB) – and do check out that blog!

Lindaaanderson@hotmail.co.uk

The road to recovery

Photo is pure vanity and totally un-blog-related. Like a guy who can make me look good in a photo so huge shout out to @FABSNETWORK Thank you!

And now to business....

Why have I been procrastinating about writing tonight then? I have an inkling of an idea and it's not just the distraction afforded by the twitosphere this evening. Neither is it the fact I've been catching up on #downton and #corrie having worked Sunday evening and played yesterday.

I'm thrilled, honoured, delighted and surprised that this humble blog now gets a goodly number of visits each day, and has been picked up, recommended, linked to and retweeted in many corners of cyberspace.

But in the words of that great superhero as he spun his sticky web across NY City, with power comes responsibility. Note I omitted "great" on this occasion as one thing I don't have is delusions of grandeur. A couple of hundred followers doesn't make me Stephen Fry, and by reading this you're probably in the company of just a hundred or so others who've done so today.

When I started out on this bloggy road I spent a lot of time agonising about putting my thoughts "out there" for the consumption of others, and for a while the agony stopped me altogether. When I had to make the decision about spinal surgery the blog took a different turn as a way of keeping in touch with friends and family. It replaced round robin texts, emails and phone calls, at the same time giving each day a focus. There were days when typing a couple of hundred words on here was all I could manage, but it did provide a sense of achievement.

Recently I've moved away from blogging my scoliosis journey - there hasn't been much to report. But writing has become addictive and I've experimented with allsorts (see my twitter profile - @lindaaanderson - where that word makes another appearance!) It would be great to have more comments on here and really get a conversation going - I love all the texts, emails and FB messages but confess I don't always get round to responding - sorry.

Allsorts however doesn't make for an easily identifiable blog. I follow several others and they all have a definite theme and purpose. Generally music, politics, or theology which of course betrays my areas of interest. Why then don't I blog in a similar vein?

I've been giving this some thought and had a bit of a revelation about it all today. What's happening now is still in fact part of the scoliosis journey. I may repeat that as it's so important. What's happening now is still part of the scoliosis journey.

Pre-surgery I barely blogged. Fear held me back from speaking out - even speaking at times - for fear of what others might say. Or think. Pre-surgery I didn't give much thought to what interested me or what I wanted to do with life, I just got on with it, probably working too hard in the process. Pre-surgery I didn't use Blogger or Twitter so this probably wouldn't have been possible anyway but had they been more widespread I'm not sure I'd have jumped on board then. I'd have been way too worried about what people might say. Or think. Do you see a pattern emerging yet?

Opting to undergo scoliosis surgery is a massive decision. Go back to my early posts and you can see how I agonised over it. The surgery itself is painful; if you are a teenager you can expect six to eight weeks off school. If you are in your twenties or thirties it will take you longer to recover as your body has been in its twisty position for that much longer.

Fast forward twenty years or so to a fifty year old with a pretty large curvature and you are looking at a couple of years recovery time. It's not fair to say it's more painful - which is after all a relative phenomenon. One person's papercut has another screaming for morphine :-)

But it's not wrong or unrealistic to say that recovery is likely to be prolonged and more challenging if you are of ...erm... more mature years. Perhaps this blog with its ups and downs, highdays and downdays, rationale and ramblings, is actually still just a record of that recovery purpose. A very public record I confess, and one that I am sure some might dismiss as self indulgent. But if it helps anyone else going through this process then I am glad so please tell me!

And for anyone else reading this - I hope this offers an insight into life-changing surgery. Into an experience that changes you body, mind and dare I say it soul. I hope it makes you smile and makes you think, though I accept tonight it may be making you yawn as it is waaaaaay too long!

Perhaps I need to revisit the dinner party guests idea - still loving that and Mr Gary Barlow is so much in the news lately it might make for an interesting post!

Linda

Oh - almost forgot - thank you for all the messages about my job! Another subject to write more about soon!

A Life More Ordinary

Where to begin - one of those days today where a lot went wrong, a few things went right, a lot happened but I didn't seem to get anything done...

Meanwhile, more of you lovely people than ever seem to be reading this blog, and it's been picked up in a few places which means it will be shared more widely. I've been asked to write a 1000 word article for SAUK and hopefully more writing work will be coming my way from other directions. As if this weren't exciting enough my Klout score has increased and I'm now almost in the 95th percentile! Granted my expertise and influence are primarily in the areas of ... erm... tea and the X Factor :-)

I confess to being slightly bemused by all this. It's not as though I have half a million followers on Twitter, or massive influence when it comes to politics, or even international development it being the area I work in. Some of the stuff that interests me also embarrasses me if I am honest. But maybe it's a sign of older age that this no longer worries me.

That doesn't mean that I don't want to be well informed when it comes to events on the international stage, politics, economics or business. It does mean that I am happy to listen and learn from others and not always feel that I have to compete or even contribute. It doesn't mean I've been seduced by the whole celebrity/I want it and I want it now quick-fix culture of reality TV. It does mean that love it or hate it this is a popular part of today's culture that many find entertaining and I want to engage with it and comment in an informed way, especially working as I do with young people.

I've heard it said that if you are going to engage on the social media stage you need to be strategic, stick to one subject and choose when to tweet/update your status with care and precision. I'm not arguing with any of that, other than to say that perhaps there is also a place for those of us that tweet about allsorts, post a huge variety of stuff on Facebook, disappear for a while and receive a warm welcome back when we re-emerge into cyberspace from what has been called the real world. But nowadays surely it is less the real world and more just an alternative reality - is this post, this evenings posts and conversations, any less real than the meal I cooked for the family earlier on?

I read a fair number of blogs, follow a lot of people on Twitter, have a mass of friends on The Book. Somewhere in the ether a GooglePlus account with my name on it is trundling along. In spite of my rant a few weeks back I'm not really going to take a hammer to my hard drive and I fully accept it's not practical for us to knock on each others doors the way we used to. Perhaps what we do on here - a Retweet for example - is the current day equivalent of the request for a cup of sugar? Something you could live without but opens the door to a conversation and communication?

But - and I really must wind up and get to bed - I worry if we become so hung up on the way that we use social media that it's all about rights and wrongs. Heaven forbid we start to worry if someone has tweeted us back or liked our post, if our Klout score has gone down or our hits dropped, when for much of the time it doesn't matter.

If we're in business and using social media as a tool then of course this does not apply - all power to those elbows and get out there and get noticed! But for those of us trundling along, much like my Google Plus account, is there really any shame in simply enjoying the ride and perhaps being a little more ordinary?

Why don't I write more often?

More specifically why haven't I written more often recently?

It's not as though there hasn't been plenty to write about - personal stuff about pain levels, job situation, half term holidays, amazing family and friends doing incredible things. And less personal stuff about St Paul's, the birth of the 7 billionth person, Greece...

Maybe because I've been busy writing? My first proper writing job - two series of Advent reflections for Christian Aid. The first one being twenty nine 180 character daily thoughts, the second being four weekly reflections, for use in churches on the Sundays in Advent.

It's been an interesting process. I absolutely loved the research, planning, writing, editing. The sense of satisfaction in coming up with something that reads well and will be useful to others - much as I hope this blog has been over the months and years.

The more challenging aspect of the project was the sign off process and for me personally realising that everyone has an opinion on what should be said and how. It's been hard to choose where to concede, where to insist on sticking by what I wrote, and not to doubt my own thinking and writing.

It's made me totally appreciate how tough it can be to write, and the importance of a good editor. For a while it made me think it's something I could never do again. But now that the second of the two projects is finally signed off I am itching for another...

Maybe this is an indication that writing really is my thing, if so that would be encouraging as today I also had my end of contract meeting which means my post is not being renewed and I need to start looking and thinking again about what is next.

I may write a piece for Backbone - the Scoliosis Association magazine. Hopefully to encourage and not scare off others considering surgery! I still feel I have that novel in me - maybe if there really isn't another role for me in Christian Aid it will be time to sit down and get it out?

Meanwhile, I've deferred the surgery to remove the dodgy screw, or any more of the metalwork, for the foreseeable future. I simply cannot put myself in a situation where if a job arose that I was interested in I would miss out because I wasn't in the office. There are days when the pain is bearable, and nowadays there are even whole periods of time - an hour or two maybe - when it is not uppermost in my mind. There are other days when the pain makes me sick and I can't get out of bed. But I know that those days will pass, perhaps they are a sign of the need to pace myself and do a little bit less. Perhaps take the Jubilee line in the rush hour a little less often. Which reminds me - I really am going to suggest a "priority seat" pass to Mayor Boris so that I can discreetly flash it at those sitting in these spaces oblivious to the needs of those around them.

Not a particularly inspiring or interesting post maybe - sorry but was one of those days today. At least I am back into writing here again so more soon!

Linda x

Glimmer of hope...?

This will be a quick update as it's lunchtime during a day working from home. However I just had a reply from Mr Tucker that I thought I should share with you.

As some of you know, a CT scan in the summer suggested one of the screws in my spine is compressing a nerve. As a solution to this Mr T proposed removing the metalwork that should by now be redundant, if, as we hope, my spine has fully fused. (for those joining us now - one of my ribs was used as "glue" to fuse my spine from T3 to L3 after my curvature had been corrected.)

I was nervous about this. Another big operation, recovery time, absence from work. Pain, drugs, depression - not exactly a glass half full sort of outlook I confess.

I wrote and asked Mr Tucker if perhaps he might just remove the offending screw and this is something that he is willing to consider. Next step I think is to talk to him about the pros and cons, how long it would take, and the likelihood of this easing the constant burning pain.

For those of you wondering what the picture is of, or for those of you wondering what these "screws" look like - the illustration shows what is going on in my spine just now. There are fourteen of those beautiful shiny screws along with the two rods - surely I won't miss just the one?!

Back to work now

Linda x