Past the Peak?

As I write this the daily news conference is being aired on the BBC and social media channels. I have avoided watching them recently, the news seemingly unchanged and the number of deaths so disturbing.

Social distancing does seem to have been taking effect and some of the signs appear to be encouraging. But the big question has to be what next? When the lockdown is lifted will new cases occur? Can we really feel "safe" before a vaccine has been discovered and rolled out?

Aside from this "news" social media continues to be full of another type, perhaps even more worrying. This is the proliferation of "fake news" and the conspiracy theories being circulated.

To be honest I initially found some of this so disturbing that I had to turn away, but found that almost impossible at times. Going onto Twitter to see the latest news from a favourite baker or sports personality it became all too easy to click onto something seemingly of interest, and from there to be sucked down a rabbit hole of questions and answers and links to other sites and David Icke and 5g and there isn't a virus at all and Boris Johnson's illness was faked and all the staff at the Nightingale Hospital had to sign NDAs....

I'm not saying any of these are true, and some of the details there are no doubt fuzzy from late night reading, coloured further by the crazy dreams that so many of us seem to be having just now. What is clear however (to me at any rate!) is that there are people using the current situation to further their own beliefs. I can only think that these people actually believe what they are saying and writing, or why say and write it?

These issues have been causing me a great deal of anxiety so I have done my best to look at good scientific research to refute these theories. I am certain the roll out of the 5G phone network is not responsible for what is happening. I don't believe Bill Gates is behind it all, or that mass compulsory vaccination is a way for "them" to take control of and track us all. (And who are "them" anyway, and why would they even be interested in tracking us?)

There are days, and times in the day, when the anxiety resurfaces. However I consider myself hugely fortunate in that we have here a lovely garden. Even when the overall temperature is not particularly high, or with a chilly breeze blowing, there's a glorious sun trap which you can see in the photo above. In a few months time there will be natural shade here too as the grapevine snakes its way over the frame and bunches of fruit form ready to enjoy come September.

It has crossed my mind that this year it would be wonderful to make some of these grapes into winr and create a lockdown vintage! I have no idea how to do this or if it is possible, or what it may taste like but the idea amuses me as I see the buds breaking out of the branches in the warm spring sunshine.

No Quiz this evening - other than "Quiz" which is keeping the nation entertained at this time. The story of the couple who "cheated" the TV programme "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" - or did they? TV continues to be a huge draw at this time, with many new channels appearing on our basic Freeview box. We are also trying to get to grips with YouTube as on there we can view many West End shows and this Friday the Phantom of the Opera.

So life trundles on. Bread is baked, cupboards are decluttered, books are read and gin is consumed. This will pass. But when?

Slow Down

Writing a blog has in the past been a time for reflection. To sit back and thoughtfully consider what has been happening, and enjoy the process of putting the words together in a way that is the equivalent of aesthetically pleasing. Or perhaps it is in fact aesthetically pleasing? I'll have to give that some more thought.

The last few posts on here however have felt like a rush to make sure nothing about these days is forgotten. I almost instinctively went to type difficult days but now more than ever it feels impossible to find the right adjective to describe what these days really are. To some of us they are lazy lockdown days, sitting in the sunshine with a good book and even enjoying gin at 5pm. Apparently this, along with making a sourdough starter and baking banana bread, are typically middle class reactions to a period of pandemic quarantine.

Yesterday's sermon-eque entry concluded with a few rather random thoughts taken from the "notes" app on my iphone. This is where I deposit the random thoughts that may or may not make it into a post here. At the moment the list reads Life as it was, Pandemic life, How did they catch it, Enjoying life? Try Zoon, Hard to get up and Every sniffle - which makes me wonder if gin at 5pm is such a good idea after all?

To take the first one first - Life as it was. Today I read something about FOGO. As opposed to FOMO or Fear of Missing Out, FOGO is what we can expect to experience later this year when the lockdown restrictions are lifted. Fear of Going Out, when we will wonder and worry if it is safe to go out, see and speak to people outside of our cosy household bubbles. This has been very much on my own mind recently and to be honest I don't think there is much to say as none of us know how that is going to feel. We pray for those developing a vaccine as surely this - and effective treatments - is going to be the answer.

Life as it was feels so long ago now. Many have said that seeing images of concerts, sports events, cafes and restaurants filled with people is already giving them a strange feeling and concern. Social distancing has become the norm, though many are now calling it physical distancing which is perhaps a much nicer turn of phrase. To think how readily we took for granted popping on the tube and spending an evening in town - at the theatre or eating out. The streets of London are now deserted and it is almost impossible to imagine them otherwise.

So Pandemic Life is something else altogether and as I'm sure I have alluded to elsewhere on more than one occasion it really does feel like the luck of a pretty unfair draw as to what it's like for you. Within the UK there are those such as ourselves living in a nice house with a garden. Not that far away there are families in flats with no outdoor space. In the developing world there are people living in refugee camps, in squalor, with little or no sanitation and food. We have heard little on the news about these places, the focus being very much on the hospitalisation and recovery of our Prime Minister.

But for now Pandemic Life continues with an Easter Monday Family Quiz!

Christ is Risen

Easter Sunday.
After the darkness of Good Friday and the in-between waiting of Easter Saturday we find ourselves celebrating Easter Sunday. And celebrate we do, even if Easter Egg hunts are on hold or there's a distinct lack of "non essential" chocolate eggs to enjoy.
Church services are also cancelled, though BBC today did broadcast a service that was recorded prior to lockdown. I caught the last five minutes of what looked to have been a church in Somerset with a  Gospel choir, followed by the Pope's address from a deserted Vatican, then the aforementioned pre-recording. The afternoon's viewing included a fabulous production of Jesus Christ Superstar, part of the "The Shows Must Go On" series. So many theatres, producers, bands, films online and available to view for free just now. We only have the most basic TV package but suddenly we have several Sky channels, along with links to decoded movies and a wealth of content on YouTube. All designed to make us #StayHome #ProtectTheNHS #SaveLives
The message of Easter, whether you are a Christian, follow another faith, or are not a believer, is one of hope. A thirty three year old man went about preaching peace, love and kindness. He performed a series of miracles - though to be fair some may say they were not so much supernatural as ways of encouraging humankind to be kinder. He was betrayed by a friend, disliked by the authorities and executed in a hideous fashion. You'd have thought the rest of his friends would have run a mile but look what happened - Christianity became a worldwide religion with a following of billions. Even the way we record the date changed such was the significance of this man's life.
So at this time of year I always figure that miracles can happen, where there is life there is hope and - ultimately - Love Wins.
That may sound something like a sermon, which wasn't the intention. In actual fact I have here a whole list of things that I intended to write about today. Some of them are quite brief and can be covered here, others may need to wait.
TV watching has become very significant. All over social media people are discussing and debating what to watch. As mentioned above there are many extra channels on offer. We've chosen to watch The Split which has been a fascinating insight into the lives and loves at a family law firm.
We also watched the film Yesterday. Imagine a world where The Beatles never existed. Then imagine being the only person in the world who knew all their songs. Sound implausible? Well of course it is but Richard Curtis and Danny Boyle have created a very amusing and almost credible movie out or this idea - well worth a watch.
Can you ever imagine being able to give someone a hug again? As in, not someone who lives in your household, but someone you meet casually - a friend of a friend say. Or shaking hands - could you/would you?
That may be enough for now. More in the morning as it's another Bank Holiday. Did someone say Groundhog Day?

Baking and Birthdays

Today there is - finally- more time to write.

It is 13.37 and the men are nowhere to be seen. Mr A is in his art studio - a man cave at the bottom of the garden for which we give thanks on a daily basis. To have that space in which to be creative whilst listening to your vinyl collection is surely a gift from God!

The other Mr A (Jnr) is in bed. Which is also a wonderful thing. I truly feel for young people at this time, whose social lives were taken from them at a moment's notice. Gigs cancelled, football season curtailed, pubs, clubs, bars and restaurants closed. Even cafes and coffee shops, leaving almost literally no where to escape to! This has to be tough, especially when many of them are living in lockdown with their parents. Some are continuing their university studies online, hardly the student experience they signed up to and were enjoying. Many are working from home. But others, from keyworkers from those in health and social care to supermarket workers and refuse collectors, are bravely working then returning home to hot showers, clothes placed straight in the washing machine and that lurking concern that any cough or sniffle may be the sign of the virus.

All of which is basically the lead up to saying that a late night playing games and drinking a few cans of beer with mates is an excellent idea. And since it is the Bank Holiday weekend why not then have a lie in the next day?

With so much time to write this feels like a good opportunity to explore what went on yesterday. In some ways it felt like a waste of a day to spend so much time cooking. However there was a definite satisfaction in making what was possibly the best lasagne I have ever eaten.

It began with six eggs and 600g of strong flour - which I would usually be using for scones. I simply combined them into a dough, kneaded this until it was smooth then rolled it out as thinly as I could. If truth be told my arms did ache and my shoulders are paying for it today! I cut it into sheets to use for a lasagne, with some left overs made into noodles which dried out over the rim of a large water jug. One thing I learnt - you need a pasta roller if you are going to do this regularly. Second thing I learnt - don't attempt to knead the scraps together as you would with pastry or scones. It. Does. Not. Work.

The actual lasagne was a layer of tomato sauce, pasta sheets, roasted vegetables, cheese slices, freshly made béchamel sauce with grated mozzarella and then more of the same. In the oven for half an hour - delicious. Another one is sitting in the fridge with a filling of spinach and cream cheese - can't wait to enjoy that but it will have to wait as there's also a cheese and tomato quiche in the fridge. Oh - and a dozen tuna fishcakes!

The sourdough bread is another world of course, and I am realising how tricky that is to perfect. Patience is the key however and also forgiveness. So it wasn't the perfect loaf but it tasted good with butter and jam in the sunshine this morning!

A day spent in the kitchen was a day well spent, even if it felt as though I was missing out on the sunshine. Lots of good home cooked food to eat, and hopefully a little less waste all round. By the end of the day, pleasantly tired, it was good to relax with a gin and tonic before dinner. A couple of episodes of The Split - our latest watch - and a much better night's sleep!

Saturday - today - April 11th - is our eldest son's 35th birthday. How can that be when it feels like yesterday we brought him home from Watford General. His birth was what they used to call a Domino delivery. Nowadays that is more likely to mean a takeaway pizza but back in the day it meant staying at home until the last possible moment then going into the delivery suite with your community midwife. (What happened in my case incidentally is that on entering the hospital everything stopped and we waited pretty much all night, with Ian reading Agatha Christie to me, before the midwife intervened and he shot out along with the amniotic sac - sorry, I digress).

The day has been a little like my own birthday. The family WhatsApp group has been busy, virtual cards have been exchanged, some made it in the post. Presents ordered online. The scarf I knitted for the baby thankfully arrived in time and has been wrapped around the bump. Soon we will convene again for a video call and sing. There may be a special video from a celebrity again - who knows! For now however it is time to sit back out in the sun!

Two Days

I definitely should have written yesterday so why didn't I do so?
Frankly because it was such a horrible day that I didn't trust myself to write anything even remotely positive or objective. It was instead likely to have been the sort of piece more suited to the private journal that I have often spoken of as the one that feels as though someone is reading it over your shoulder when you don't want anyone to know what you have written.
I went to bed early resolving to write about it this morning but yet again the say has passed and the irony of it all is 24 hours later it is impossible to recollect the exact feelings that made me so wary of writing them down.
But that's how life in lockdown can feel at times. From one day, or even one hour to the next feelings can change dramatically. When you are living in such a state of heightened tension it can be just the very tiniest thing that triggers either a meltdown - which in these difficult days is often affectionately referred to as "a wobble"- or conversely a burst of happiness which can enable you to momentarily forget how things are just now.
Yesterday will have begun badly due to a rubbish night's sleep. I am sure I am not alone in finding the ability to sleep well a challenge. Everyone - well it feels like everyone - is indulging in a spot of daytime drinking and I guess the trick is to enjoy a glass of wine to help you sleep but not another one that means you wake up thirsty or with a sore head.
Recently however my particular issue has been dreams, and they have been far from sweet. I guess the situation we are living in means that death and dying are all around us. It would be nice to be spared their presence in the wee small hours. Once awake it can be incredibly difficult to get back to sleep, resulting in a miserable start to what is inevitably a long day.
One of the other issues yesterday was going to The Kitchen to pick up some more bits and pieces. And feeling overwhelmed with sadness at how our lovely vibrant tearoom is looking (and smelling) at the moment. I am acutely aware of not wanting to waste food and making sure it is used/distributed is something of a challenge. Neighbours were happy to take cakes last week but persuading them to make use of some of the sixty or so eggs I have is more difficult.
There is also this nagging fear of contamination which seems to be all around us. We've been told to take care with packaging and informed of the number of  hours the virus can stay alive on various materials. It is all so complicated and stressful. A parcel arrives and instead of feeling joyful at the thought of a gift there is the worry of how to clean it. Undo the box, wash your hands. Take the item out, wash your hands. Dispose of the packaging, wash your hands. Is it any wonder our hands are sore and our brains crying out for some relief?
Likewise trying to giveaway food such as flour, sugar and yes those eggs. People are grateful but ensuring everything is in clean packaging, touched only with clean hands, and believing the recipient will remove the packaging and wash their own hands before using or eating is exhausting.
We completed the Virtual Pub Quiz on YouTube again last night. Questions on TV, family on the laptop. I felt small and shrank into the corner of the sofa to make myself smaller, not wanting to contribute or talk. We won but for the first time ever I wanted it to be over and to go to bed so that the day would be over and another could begin.

Today by contrast was an okay one. Out of sync as ever I will write about it tomorrow as someone wants to carry on with the drama we are watching and my presence is required....

Before I go to sleep

I have a feeling I may well have used this title before. So often this happens - at the very end of a day I am again overwhelmed with the sense that if I don't write something it will be impossible to sleep. There is so much waiting to be said, demanding to be downloaded from my brain onto this virtual page.

Today was a day  I have to place on record. Ironically perhaps it was also the day on which I chose to reread the last few posts. Conscious that many of them were written in haste and in the garden, with sunlight blinding me from what was on the screen. Yes there were a few typos, some edits are needed, and there are pictures and videos to upload and add. But reading the overall narrative I was, am I allowed to say this, pretty impressed with myself.

I'm no William Shakespeare, that's for sure. And having just devoured Educated I have also to say I am no Tara Westover. However I don't think I would be speaking out of turn to say that I am not making too bad a job of documenting something of what is happening here and now. I don't pretend to be analysing things or making sense of what is surely a  currently incredible never mind analysable situation. All I am trying to do just now is somehow capture what it feels like to be here, alive in 2020 and at the heart of a global pandemic.

This morning started okay. A clear head having only imbibed a single Rhubarb gin and ginger ale last night. One of the unspoken truths of these days is perhaps how many of us are making it through and self medicating with alcohol. The WHO may have suggested alcohol consumption be restricted to help our immune systems. And to be fair who currently has spare cash to splash on wine, beer and gin?

But until it does run out it is oh so easy to enjoy a spot of daytime drinking, or at the very least to enjoy gin o clock from 5pm - you only have to look at "middle class bingo" on social media to see how true this may be.

Moving on however, we gathered as usual for a round of Popmaster at 10.30am. I did feel a sense of something slipping as today I participated in my dressing gown, previously having made it a priority to be dressed prior to this family gathering.

There was plenty to be done today - one major task is writing up all our recipes. Somehow however without the sense of urgency, and with the thought lurking in the background that perhaps we will never need them, this job slips to the bottom of that list to do...

A task that was in fact urgent was to send something to our son for his birthday. This is a challenge as we are avoiding even the shops that are open, and trying to avoid any unnecessary deliveries. I have knitted a Watford FC scarf for the baby he and his partner are expecting and decided to send that, along with some chocolate Freddos and a card made by our daughter.

We take it so much for granted that we can pick up wrapping paper and pop to the post office. On this occasion however I used some tissue paper from one of my own 60th birthday presents. With no gift box I found a box that had contained Christmas cards last year, and the whole gift was posted in a cut down paper carrier bag. Not wishing to go to the post office I looked up the price online and paid and downloaded a postage label.

Walking to the post office and popping this in the post box should have been an easy enough task. However approaching the post box it was obvious the parcel was a little too large and I would have to enter the post office itself. Wrapping the sleeve of my cardigan around my hand I pushed the door open, and this is where the wobble began. The shopkeeper was wearing a mask and gloves, the customer in front of the counter also a mask. A customer stood waiting to use the post office counter and I had little idea where to stand. I bobbed behind an aisle of biscuits and suchlike, with the handwritten sign "keep one metre apart, cards only" (or something similar) clearly visible. Suddenly I simply could not stand this and felt completely overwhelmed with what was surely the start of an anxiety attack.

I almost threw my parcel onto the counter and made to leave. The shopkeeper called after me, perhaps fearing I was a shoplifter. I managed to explain in a shouty/gaspy fashion that I had left a parcel on the counter, with stamps on.

Walking home I felt "dirty" and also that I had been rude to the lady waiting to use the counter. Suddenly it just felt like there were too many people around and I needed to be home. On my doorstep there was a delivery from M and S. On any other occasion this would be so exciting but in these days the first thought is how to protect ourselves from any potential infection. Open the box, wash our hands, remove the gift, wash our hands. Quarantine the cardboard box. Hope we will have capacity in our recycling bin to take it next week...

Amidst all of this there is a conversation to be had around a video call catch up with friends. There is some confusion as to "who" the hamper is from. WhatsApp messages, phone calls, meal planning, thank you texts and of course tears...

How can such simple things cause such stress and grief? I'd say it is simple. Everyone is existing and operating in a state of heightened tension and anxiety and we all express this in different ways. I actually contacted the lady in the post office queue to apologise and her response was just lovely, an acceptance and understanding that we all have tough days and tomorrow is a new one.

A quick chat with mum to sort out who the hamper was from, and a bath with Gary Barlow on YouTube. All much better and then a glass of wine and catch up with good friends. Dinner and a drama series but all punctuated with social media and other messages, Some of course are just lovely - grandchild is busy and kicking hard this evening. Others require some attention - how to create an online birthday card. And then there is news of the wonderful #playerstogether initiative which has dropped into every social media channel at the same time this evening from so very many premier league players.

As a fan of Watford FC it is wonderful to see Troy Deeney as one of the club captains heading up this initiative. Adrian Mariappa, Ben Foster and Tom Cleverley and others are also involved and this type of coming together to help others is truly heartwarming.

The statistics today are hard to hear. Hundreds of people losing their lives to this awful virus. Alongside this there are those claiming it has all been caused by 5g - I won't waste my breath trying to explain their theories. It's been a decidedly wobbly day and at the end of it you have to ask is it okay to have consumed a few glasses of red wine.

I missed the supermoon last night, but in the midst of all this angst this evening received a text from my mum urging me to look at the moon. So I did. Strangely emotional to look over our little corner of Croxley and see this beautiful sight. Praying for us all to stay safe...

More tomorrow no doubt, until then take care x

Birthday Bingo Part Two

When you don't take the time to re-read and edit your posts, when you allow your writing to become something of a stream of consciousness, and when the pages like the days are merging into one, it can be disconcerting to get to the bottom of a post and realise what you have written bears little or no resemblance to the title you started out with.

The earlier post was supposed to be about my 61st birthday. Which happened to be yesterday. I have heard it said on good authority that this year's birthdays don't count, so I am in fact sixty for another year. Which is actually quite nice when you consider "over 60" apparently puts you at greater risk of complications from the Coronavirus. The very fact of the pandemic cancelling out my birthday has made it statistically less likely I will be badly affected if I contract it. Dream on...

Waking up on a lockdown birthday was a little weird if I am honest. The messages on social media started shortly after midnight from friends on the other side of the world. And they are still coming from some who may have been alerted by a friend's post perhaps. So I have heard from literally hundreds of people. Unlike last year (my actual 60th birthday) I don't have lots of actually cards. Instead I have many many messages some of which are from people I haven't seen or heard from for ages.

Coming downstairs yesterday it was especially special to see the room bedecked with banners and bunting wishing me a happy birthday, which seemed somehow a contradiction. How could a day set apart from family and friends be a happy one?

However that was to change as the day went on. A parcel arrived - the fluffiest new dressing gown! A bottle of Salted Caramel Baileys! Baileys Chocolates! A few cards did arrive and the sentiments were so lovely. Home crafted cards from people with tine on their hands, lovely long messages from folk no longer in a rush. And to top it all the most incredible five piece card designed and created by my children. I need to take a very good photo of that and post it on here!

The doorbell rang as I was making another pasta bake (lockdown dinner if ever there was one) and wondering if I could somehow make a cake. I've been limiting trips to The Kitchen as much as possible, only for essential supplies and to check on the property. Looking through the kitchen cupboards here was like walking into a crime scene from five years ago where things were five years out of date. That baking powder was definitely NOT going to make plain flour rise and the only sugar was granulated, not the fine caster sugar that makes the finest sponges!

As if on cue the front door bell rang and on the step was a bag of surprises. I will take and edit in photos but for now suffice to say a luscious fruit cake, the cards described above, a beautiful isolation pamper kit and a LOT of love!

Rachel of course was at the bottom of the drive, having used her daily exercise allowance to walk over from her flat with this wonderful bag of treats. She was looking thirsty so I hastily assembled a gin and ginger ale with a slice of frozen orange and left it on the doorstep for her to pick up as I retreated into the hallway...

We arranged a call with Kim and Anne at 5pm, prior to which we sang and cut the cake with Ian and Dave. Drinks and chat later it was time for  the pasta bake! I am so grateful that I can cook. And not just cook, but also create something tasty seemingly from nothing. It's a bit like Ready Steady Cook here, trying hard never to waste anything and working out how to use up whatever is in the fridge or freezer. We're so fortunate to have the supplies of food at The Kitchen and I have been bagging up flour, sugar, margarine and other ingredients for anyone who is desperate. We're also gradually emptying the freezers of cakes, as treats for neighbours, ICU staff and others which does of course beg the question why I didn't just grab one as a birthday cake but let's be honest Rachel's was just the best!)

Party time was at 7.30pm. As we assembled on Facebook Messenger I was instructed to open a brown envelope that had also been dropped off. Inside - bingo! With Rachel as the caller, in her sequinned top no less, we enjoyed a rousing game of regular and then birthday bingo. With Gin, Prosecco, Gary Barlow and other such treats being pulled out of the bag!

One more person joined the party as Rachel played us a video message from Adrian Mariappa. Any Watford FC fan will know him as an absolutely lovely player who's been with the club for ten years. In fact we were due to attend his testimonial dinner. He said really lovely things as his son sang Happy Birthday to me - icing on the cake!

A glass too many of the salted caramel Brownies rounded off a very lovely day. I wonder how many more people will be enjoying lockdown birthdays this year as I cannot see ahead to a time when gatherings will again be permitted. But for now we really are learning to take one day at a time.