Wednesday, 28 April 2010

What a difference a day (or two) makes

Good news. The worst of the withdrawal symptoms appear to have abated. No longer lying in sweat soaked sheets shivering, aching, unable to sleep and constantly vomiting. Diarrhoea has subsided, headache almost gone and slept six hours last night...

Even better news... Went for my twelve week check with Mr Tucker this afternoon. X rays show a good correction (along with every one of the fourteen two and a half inch screws!) but a bit early I think to see if the bones are fusing (apparently that appears as a "haze").

Mr Tucker asked what painkillers I am taking and when I told him was astonished. "Is that all?" being his reaction. He did ask me if I had gone "cold turkey" and his face was a picture as he clearly knew what that would have meant for me. I hastily explained I would always have opted to get it over with quickly rather than drag things out over several weeks or months, but accepted it is not what he would have advised :-)

And so - it's okay to have a bath - hoorah! To swim - how good will that be! Not to wear the brace - Hallelujah! And I can even drive - a miracle! Only restriction now is no heavy lifting, and obviously to listen to my body and not overdo it or my muscles will "scream".

Home now - cleaned out the bath with Dave's help (no one has used it for three months - the boys all like to shower...) and cannot wait to fill it with fragrant warm water and soak in the bubbles. Alas that is not to be just yet as Ian does need to be in the house in case I get stuck!

Will go for a swim tomorrow - hopefully. There is a warm pool next to the hospital in Stanmore which is heated to 32 degrees especially for spinal patients. And may just have a little glass of wine to celebrate all of this too.

In many ways this seems a better place to leave this blog. I'm signed off for another month which will be spent exercising, building up my muscles and strength. There's a lot to be done in terms of building up my confidence too - you don't go through something like this and emerge unscathed - or maybe you do but I didn't. It's knocked me quite simply for six and it will take a while to be the person I was. Or maybe I won't be that person but someone different - our experiences make us the person we are and this has to be up there with the big ones.

I'm pleased I kept this blog - I still haven't read it myself and think I probably need to sit myself down with that glass of wine and a box of tissues and do so slowly, carefully, prayerfully. Thank you to all those that have read it and shared the journey, who have commented or contacted me after reading, and who have held me in your prayers and thoughts over so many weeks.

I've re-discovered a real passion for writing and when I stopped this blog a few weeks ago continued to keep a journal which will I think be part of an ongoing journey of self discovery for many more weeks, months or even years to come.

I feel I am about to enter rambling mode so will finish now with, yet again, my love and thanks to you all.

Linda xx

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

It's been a while...

... but I thought I would just post an update on here as many of you have been kind enough to say that you miss the blog, or have asked how I am doing. Thank you.

The past few weeks haven't always been easy but I guess I've made slow progress. Funny now to look back on the early days with rose-tinted specs - I don't remember the pain much at all, but I do remember sleeping lots, lying in bed, not worrying about anything (much!)

Things are going well enough but there is no way I will be back to work this week which was the original plan. I'm still in considerable discomfort, and badly need to exercise and build up my strength and stamina. I also need to build up my confidence as it's so true what they say about how something like this affects you emotionally. I went out on my own for the first time yesterday - just a walk to the library - it was a real effort and I burst into tears the first time someone spoke to me!

I've had a shockingly ghastly week since taking my last dose of morphine too - worth mentioning as a warning in case anyone else ever finds themselves on strong opiates. Please don't do what I did - I was naive and thought that if I stopped the tablets the pain would increase. That I thought I could cope with, and planned then to switch to something milder once I knew what the level of pain actually was without the drugs.

I didn't expect sweats, chills, shivers, diarrhoea, vomiting, aching all over, insomnia, restless legs, itching and constant uncontrollable crying. But that is what I got. Hopefully at the tail end of all that now but still unable to eat more than a tablespoon or so of food and surviving on smoothies and soup.

So as well as gaining two inches I have lost - oh I've no idea - at least a stone. There's room for two of me in most of my clothes and whilst many see this as a good thing it freaks me out. I know I need good nutrition for the fusion to "take" and would love to look forward to and enjoy a nice meal. Hopefully that is more likely now I am not taking morphine.

So - signed off for another month but my aim in the coming weeks - if my consultant agrees tomorrow - is to become more mobile, exercise some more, start to get out in the garden and see some friends. I was pre-warned that I would not feel up to visitors for a while and that has been so true. Thank you to those who have popped in and put up with my tearful ramblings, and apologies to anyone else - perhaps now might be the time if you do fancy a visit so I'd love to get a text or email from you.

Won't ramble any more for now, thanks all for your continued support, prayers, positive vibes and messages.

With love

Linda x

Friday, 9 April 2010

Maybe, maybe not...

I'm not sure if I am going to carry on blogging.

Just lately it's felt a bit "samey" with little to laugh - or even smile - about.

There's stuff in my head I'd quite like to get straight but I am not sure this is the place, maybe I will take a break.

Meanwhile - I googled this evening to see if there were any other online accounts of how long it takes to recover from scoliosis surgery. I found a really useful site (I've already written to thank the author) and I really admire her honesty. If you'd like to get a feel of what I've not managed to say check out but in particular the post op and extended recovery pages.

She's much braver than me when it comes to constipation, and more honest when it comes to shaving your legs :-)

I'd like to hear from you as if I don't blog for a while I can still email you updates. Perhaps when things feel more positive I'll give it another shot. Maybe this is just a stop at the Motorway Services on the Journey to recovery. The Little Chef of Looking for Linda maybe?

Au revoir


Thursday, 8 April 2010

It's a Small World...

I can't resist a quick post to explain the comments on the last one...

I'm not feeling good about googling images - I know I should be out there taking my own photos but just now that's a real challenge. However - some good has come of it!

There I was googling daffodils and it brought up a blog site with links to some other blogs. I recognised a name, clicked through, and sure enough it was someone I have come to know through the scoliosis support organisation. What were the chances in the vastness of cyberspace? It wasn't like I was googling back problems or scoliosis - just daffodils!

So lovely to have magnumlady's blog to follow now - and I am inspired to get out there with my camera tomorrow and take some pics of my own (yours are amazing!)

Been a looooooong day and as expected dinner was the pitta bread and hummus. Dave coming down with a cold and feeling lousy. One for the p and pv people please - the last thing I want or need right now is a dose of those germs :-( Ian not due home for another two hours so going to sleep and see if he can sneak in without waking me up...

Night night all xx

Spring has Sprung but...

The sun is shining and I expect many of my lovely colleagues - and friends and family elsewhere - are envious of me sitting in the garden enjoying this early spring sunshine.

The reality is so different - and I feel a little more honesty than usual coming on here! I am stuck in bed and Ian is on another of those stupidly long late shifts. So he left at 1.30pm and won't be home till 12.30am. Grrrrr.....

Reason I am not in the garden? Well the patio door is rather heavy to slide open for starters, but the main problem is we don't have a comfy garden chair. This will be rectified - I've asked Ian to buy me one for my birthday! But until then it would be very uncomfortable sitting out there on an ordinary chair, and trying to get in and out of a deckchair would be impossible - and hilarious.

Whilst I'm trying to reduce the painkillers the pain is pretty bad (note the subtle understatement there...) so the last thing I need is not to be comfy. I'm going to stay here on my memory foam mattress with my hot water bottle.

Went for my physio this morning ie: a walk in Ricky and round Waitrose. So frustrating (yes this post is a bit of a self indulgent misery fest) as I picked up various things and realised they would end up in the compost bin in three days time having passed their sell by date without being cooked or eaten :-( Fresh green beans - yum - but cannot lift a pan of boiling water. Nice stir fry perhaps? Nope - can't lift the wok! Ended up with a few ready meals but reality is I'll eat pitta bread and hummus or french bread and brie with some dried apricots and activia yoghurt for obvious reasons :-)

Were it not the Easter holidays of course Dave would be home at 3.30 ready to rustle up something to rival Dhruve (still gutted for Alex.) But he's out and about somewhere with his mates - as I often say to my inner-city friends this is Enid Blyton country! We live by a canal and river, next to a natural moor. There are endless woods and orchards nearby and a huge park with trains, pools, activity things and a cafe. There's public transport - bus and tube - into Watford and Harrow for cinema and shops (slightly less Enid Blyton). The children really have grown up going off on their bikes and coming back when they are hungry. Though they don't even do that since they opened a kebab shop at the top of the road! Hmmm......

No point moaning - hopefully the weather will hold out until I get a nice luxurious sun lounger and besides Ian only has to do three of these horrid shifts. I shall catch up on some reading, some letter writing and maybe (to please the Boss) have another go at the West Wing :-)

If all else fails there are a lot of Easter Eggs around and I have lost rather a lot of weight....!


ps: I am not sure but somehow something happened and a screen came up with something about networked blogs and next thing this is one of them and some of you are being asked to verify I am the author. I really don't "get" what this is all about and the rather scary thing is people seem to be asked to "rate" this blog. Blimey - I am starting to feel the stress the Masterchef finalists were under. This was never intended as a literary masterpiece - simply a way of inviting a few friends to share the journey - what have I got myself into....?

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

System Restore

Sorry no photo - not even a stolen googled one - sorry.

This post is primarily a reminder for me. A marker in the sand. A system restore point if you like.

I am going to try and manage without diazepam. Or at least with half the dose. As most of you know I am pretty much off the dihydrocodeine now. Still need the slow release morphine of course and reckon the Voltarol is also pretty significant. Plus paracetamol of course - though I've reduced the dosage there simply by sleeping later and missing the 6am dose...

But the diazepam is bothering me. Basically it is a sedative, to reduce anxiety. It has muscle relaxant properties so I guess ought to help with the pain too but I think it may be what makes me so sleepy and may contribute to my tearfulness.

I'll give it a day or two and if things worsen I can think again but for now I am looking at the little white tablet in tonight's pill box and thinking "nah...!"

The quicker I can get off all these drugs the quicker I may start to get back to normal in all sorts of ways - so p and pv's requested please - thanks!

Had a chat with my Boss about returning to work today - will speak with my lovely HR advisor on Friday too. Would be lovely to get back to the office - I miss friends, colleagues, and contributing something worthwhile. But feels unlikely I'll be ready in three weeks time which is when my certificate ends (where did that time go?!)

Maybe less drugs, a bit more time awake and re-learning to concentrate, some hydrotherapy and a decent haircut and I'll start to feel like I could take my place back at work.

We'll see - and if/when I doubt that I'll come back to this post and remember it did feel possible tonight.

Oh - gutted Alex missed out on Masterchef - I had started to love that guy :-(

Linda xxx

The Post-Birthday World

For those of you unaware of the significance of the title of this post it is a book by Lionel Shriver that happens to be one of my best ever reads. I couldn't resist stealing the title and hope she doesn't mind :-)

Here you can see my splendid birthday cake. Paul made it. He borrowed a Kenwood mixer, bought a piping bag and whisked it up instead of watching the Newcastle match on Monday night.

That is what he told me. Later on he confessed he asked someone who makes very good cakes to make it for him/me. Still a lovely thought and I think he - or perhaps Sarah - were responsible for the chocolate button decoration. Very nice. Thank you. I can forgive the White Lie as you did confess eventually :-)

Birthday was very nice - lots of cards, lots of pressies, messages on Facebook, texts, emails and phone calls - thank you all. I was hopeful that the day's scheduling had worked - had several lovely visitors in the morning and slept from 2 till 6. Really had hoped to be up for a lively evening with the children and perhaps even that glass of wine. Had decided what to wear and even planned to straighten my hair etc...

Sadly was not to be. In spite of the siesta I felt pretty rough still. We did pressies in bed and decided on a takeaway. I did make it downstairs for about half an hour and managed some egg fried rice and a glass of water (don't laugh - it was very nice!) then a cup of tea and slice of the above cake.

After that it was back to bed and remarkably back to sleep! I have no idea how I can sleep so much but people tell me it is my body healing itself in the way it knows best. Nothing to do with boredom then.....

And so - to the pressies! Thank you all so very much. Way too many gifts to mention and it would be completely wrong of me and unfair to single out any particular present as special so I am definitely not going to mention the Boyzone CD as something I was particularly thrilled and delighted to open. Surprised too as it said on the wrapping it was a football! And on the subject of very special presents I shouldn't single out the little Angels that I tell all my problems too and they fly away with them either... so I won't ... oops... :-) Best pressie of all was of course having the children all here but missing Rachel SO much. Skype and Facebook are great but virtual hugs really not quite the same. Hurry home for a proper one soon and we will celebrate Christmas, Easter, and all our birthdays in October!

As most of you know, I am trying hard to cut down on the medication in the hope my tummy problems will improve and I may be a bit less dozy. (It will also please my GP who understandably would prefer to write less scripts for Class A drugs.) The side effect of this is of course more pain so I am going to stop now and snuggle up with my hot water bottle and snooze away a couple of hours till it's time for some paracetomal. (Paracetomal! I thought they were for colds and 'flu - not spinal surgery - how can they possibly be strong enough? I miss my dihydrocodeine :-( )

May blog again later - there has been a request for a post about the Teddy Bear's tea party and I would hate to disappoint my Boss :-)

Thank you all again for messages and if I don't get around to replying then I am so sorry - I am trying to - honestly.

Linda xxx

Monday, 5 April 2010

A Teddy Tale

Dave has for some time been reminding me that there has not been a Teddy's Tale on the blog. I don't like blogging for the sake of it but have to admit I've also had a fair bit of hassle from Scruffy, Boofle, Spotty and Teeny Tiny Bear so even though I've blogged once already this evening I guess it is only fair to give them a voice...

The thing is this. Cuddles and Nigel (in his lovely new jumper) have taken to sleeping in bed with us. In fact they have taken up residence pretty much day and night. I'm not sure how it happened - perhaps one day when the sheets were being changed Scruffy, Boofle, Spotty and Teeny Tiny Bear politely moved out of the way and sat on the dressing table, perhaps Cuddles and Nigel hung on to the side of the bed, ready to climb up and sneak back in when no one was looking. They were under the pillows for a while - we didn't even notice they were there. But then I had a few bad days (you can always look at previous posts for details...) and suddenly it was nice to find them (probably when I was rummaging under the pillow for a tissue...) and have a little cuddle.

This may sound very soft and soppy if you are not a Teddy Bear - or even a soft toy - person. But this is a good point to reiterate - if I haven't already done so - that pretty much every photo I've seen on here or other forums of friends (known and unknown personally) in hospital beds or somewhere recovering from scoliosis also includes a soft toy or Teddy of some kind! Never underestimate the comfort a Teddy Bear can bring when you feel lonely or poorly...

But back to the main point of the story. Cuddles and Nigel have been getting a lot of attention, and not just from me. Keegan likes to sleep cuddled up next to me (she rather likes my hot water bottle...) and will often grasp hold of one of them. Basically the other Teddies have been neglected and probably feeling a little bit jealous.

The thing is though - just because I haven't seen as much of them doesn't mean for one minute that I haven't been thinking about them. I've been wondering - guiltily at times - where they are. And when I saw Scruffy I realised he had definitely had a lot of attention from Keegan - perhaps his little hot water bottle needs filling as he's looking a little the worse for wear :-(

At times it has been the bears in bed with me that I've taken somewhat for granted. In fact when I haven't felt like a cuddle with Keegan I have given them to her instead! And just because I haven't seen the others doesn't mean I've not been thinking about them - I knew that soon enough they'd turn up!

We're all back together now - as you can see from the photo they staged a sit-in on the Netbook until I paid them some more attention. But that wasn't necessary. I knew they were there without them making a fuss or feeling neglected - I just hadn't managed to let them know. But I've been dozy - from the drugs, from the pain, from the emotion of it all, and this has made me rather selfish at times - sorry :-(

So there we are - the Teddies are happily reunited, Newcastle are back in the Premier League, and in just about an hour I will be more than half a century old - plenty to celebrate! I wonder what would happen if I had half a glass of champagne along with all my pills tomorrow?

Time to sleep - if we can - the bed is rather crowded :-)



Tomorrow is my birthday - woo hoo! The image I posted last year was rather different - I turned 50 in South America and captured the moment as the sun set over the Pacific Ocean. This year the pic is sadly stolen (again) from Google but I have to say that cake does look rather appealing...

So - I am sitting here looking forward to tomorrow - but wondering how I am going to stay awake long enough to enjoy it! I still spend much of the day in a drug induced doze and my daily physio - ie walk - usually means spending the next two or three hours flat on my back...

A few of you wonderful people have said that you'd like to pop round tomorrow and that would be lovely - perhaps late morning might be a good time? I promise to try and be dressed (or at least in clean and decent PJs...) and will make a supreme effort to wash my hair and dig out the lippie. (Yes, I confess standards have dropped since those early days when I wouldn't go a day without doing my hair and make up...)

After lunch I think I need to factor in an afternoon nap/siesta/snooze as I'm looking forward to seeing the children in the evening and would be rather rude to fall asleep on them ;-) Not quite sure what we are going to do - last time we tried to all eat together here I couldn't get out of bed! And as for a birthday drink it may well be Orangina... nevertheless it will be good to see them and catch up on news - better be interesting or I may fall asleep again (sorry Sarah/Paul/Dave - only joking of course!)

There may be a little tea time window between sleeping and seeing them though so text if you do fancy a cuppa and who knows we may even find a slice of cake.

I'm sorry if this all sounds rather regimented but the fact is I'm still bed-based and ridiculously tired. If it's true what they say about Beauty Sleep I'll be absolutely stunning by the time my spine's fused :-)

Anyway - enough of tomorrow - still over three hours to go before I turn 51! Back to today - and we went for a lovely walk along the canal - see the photo below - ahhh!

Probably the furthest I've walked so far - around two and half miles - and yet again I came home to lie flat on my back with my trusty hot water bottle for a couple of hours. (Thanks Deb for the company though!) It's frustrating - no doubt about that - but I have to remember what massive surgery I had done just 8 weeks ago, and how fortunate I have been not to have suffered complications. It's just a question of being patient...

Home alone this evening but for very good reason. The boys are watching Newcastle play over at Paul's. One point secures promotion back to the Premier League - more cause for celebration if that happens. We deserve a good result after Watford were robbed this afternoon - equaliser in the 95th minute grrr.....

I'm enjoying a soap fest and am about to track down an Easter Egg. Thanks to you all for your continuing lovely good wishes and see/speak to/hear from many of you tomorrow.

With love

Linda xxx

Easter Sunday

Happy Easter. I hope that you have all enjoyed today - whether that's meant celebrating the resurrection of Christ, spending time with loved ones, catching up on some long overdue DIY (or iplayer) or simply taking some time out from the busy-ness of everyday life.

It's been good - I think - to see many stores, supermarkets, Garden Centres even, closed for the day. Reminds me of when Sundays were different. Annoying perhaps if you'd run out of something - milk, soap powder, or just time - but also a genuine excuse - reason actually - to do a little less, slow down, spend time being rather than doing. Is it just me or have others also noticed a number of tv programmes about Easter and its meaning? I watched an interesting exploration of various atonement theologies which took me right back to my third year at Theological College. Again it's seemed right to acknowledge this significant Christian Festival in a way that seemed to have been lost over the past few years. (I read some shocking statistic which said that one in three children think we've been marking the Easter Bunny's birthday this weekend...!)

Whether you're a believer or not it's surely hard to disagree that children ought to at least know why at this time of year we enjoy the benefit of two Bank Holidays in one weekend and don't grow up thinking - as some apparently do - that it all came down to Cadburys?

Usually we'd host some kind of celebration here - invite friends and family over for food, drink, conversation, games. This was impossible this year and we discussed as a family what we might do instead. The honest truth was I didn't feel able to do anything. I can still only sit for 40 minutes or so, I possess no appetite and stupidly overactive tear ducts. I just wanted to let the day come and go - and in the end that's what we did. Yes we watched a bit of the Grand Prix - I fell asleep. Yes Dave put Doctor Who on iplayer - I fell asleep.

I eventually woke up around three when it was lovely to see my mum who popped in for a visit with chocolate eggs and carrot cake - thanks mum! Around 7pm Paul and Jem turned up and Ian somehow magicked up a roast dinner from nothing - well the freezer. He is seriously going to be up for Masterchef next year - look out Alan Hansen :-)

We watched Jonathan Creek - well I started to as I fell asleep - and now everyone's asleep except me - as of course I have been asleep most of the day. Nice to have Paul and Jem staying over and the lads off to Vicarage Road tomorrow. If Jem doesn't go perhaps I can ask for a manicure :-) Ian and I have been invited to join them at Paul's in the evening to watch the Newcastle game (they have Sky TV) as it has huge promotion significance - what do you reckon? Apparently I could lie on his sofa - hmmm - not managed that on ours yet so we'll see.

What't the point of all of this rambling? Maybe it's something to do with me learning to go with the flow. Yes I love the parties and celebrations and get togethers - long may they continue. But it is also okay to just "be" and see what comes along. We've got food, warmth, books, laptops and tv if all else fails. How often do we arrange things because we feel the need to be busy. Wasn't it Colin Firth who praised the benefits of spontaneity? Easy for me to say all this when I'm surrounded by family perhaps but I have spent many long hours and days on my own these past months - a new experience. I've realised being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Something to explore in another deeper post perhaps - or others may care to comment?

For now though thank you all again for your Easter greetings and look forward to hearing from many of you in the coming week. If you would like to visit drop me a text and come armed with Kleenex - this week is filling up but the one after looks good.

Much love and Easter blessings

Linda xxx

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Day by Day...

I'm determined to keep up the habit of blogging daily. But some days like today it's hard to know where to start. Or finish.

I'm pleased it's the last late shift Ian has to do for a while, though it's been lovely to have visitors today - apologies to you both for all the tears but I don't think anyone turning up who's been reading this can say they weren't warned. In fact it was brave of you both to come and sorry I wasn't a better hostess or more cheerful company.

Graham accompanied me on a walk to the Co Op as I wanted to get an Easter Egg for Ian who has been with me on every other trip to a shop. I am such a sad geek I googled and AA route-mapped the journey when we got back and found we'd walked 1.2 miles. Phew. Four hours flat on my back with a hot water bottle and four morphine tablets later I was almost human again :-) I wonder what aches tomorrow will bring - especially now I am halving the dihydrocodeine. Boy do I ache this evening...

Was lovely to see Lisa and always fun to show off the scars for the first time. Even if you saw the pics on here they are pretty impressive in the flesh. In fact I wish I could see them myself - I am reliably informed they are healing beautifully so hopefully the bio oil is doing its job. Also good to hear that plans for the Big Lunch are well underway - I hope to be there even if I'm not going to be much help organising it.

Nothing very profound to say today and no picture - sorry. Hopefully Easter with its wonderful reminders of new life and resurrection will lift all our spirits so I hope that you have a Happy and Blessed day.

With love

Linda x

Friday, 2 April 2010

The Hills are Alive...


There is something on TV other than chopped veggies and relocation programmes. It's a Bank Holiday so of course The Sound of Music is on - one of those films that you don't actually have to watch because you have seen it so many times before. It's just kind of on in the background while you get on with all those other important things you have to do. Like... erm... well blogging for starters (building up to some more thank you letters, knitting and perhaps watching a dvd later - but that may clash slightly with the TV....)

Today's not a great day - they never start well after a difficult evening/night before. And reducing the drugs is never easy. Confession time - today is the first day since I started getting dressed that I haven't got dressed. Ian's working, the weather is rubbish and even if neither of those were a fact I think my body is screaming out for a rest. I've really tried to push the physio ie walking but all of this and especially the long trip out on Wednesday seem to have created aches and pains in places I didn't know could ache or pain. So today's a bit of a duvet day in my Eyeore PJs...

I'm not sure if I have said before what a great GP I have? Went to see her yesterday evening and as has already been ascertained I was not having a good day. Through the tears and the snot we managed to work out what's going on - apart, obviously, from the pain. She very perceptively pointed out that I've come to this experience/journey very well prepared and with very realistic expectations. I've a great group of supportive friends I have met through the Scoliosis Support group and each of those who is post-op has been kind enough to take time explaining to me what to expect. (Though lovely Simon did point out to me this week that it was hard to convince me how tough it would be - I guess we all expect to be the one who defies all expectations!)

However - until I actually did decide to go for surgery I was pretty ignorant of what to expect. As I was so incredibly fortunate in having to wait just two weeks ( I am almost embarrassed to say that here when I know how many friends have been waiting or waited months or even years) it was a steep learning curve (:-)) and for two weeks I was pretty glued to Google - when I wasn't trying to clear my desk at work. The fact is though I knew - and I know - that this is a long painful journey - it has been said to be worse than open heart surgery - and the reality is it may be a year before I am back to "normal" (I wait now for all the jokes about me never having been normal... :-) )

So - back to the consultation with my GP. In terms of how I am coping she was very supportive and complimentary. The more challenging issue - and one maybe causing me so much upset - is perhaps how to manage the expectations of those who - like me a few months ago - know less about this condition, the treatment and expected recovery process and timeframe.

To be totally honest in spite of all I have just said I am surprised myself at how much time I still spend in bed - I am sure there are people out there who cannot believe that is still the case 8 weeks post op! I am horribly frustrated at how little I can do for myself, let alone for others. Unexpectedly home alone last night dinner was a cup a soup and cheese roll - nothing wrong with that but I wasn't really supposed to have lifted the kettle! (Ian has left a flask today but I also have Dave here who's going to cook a roast ;-) )

Of course I have lots of lovely friends, family, neighbours I can ask for help - please don't any of you be offended. But that is not the point. It is the sheer frustration, having gone from someone who was working full time in a pretty important job in Central London to being someone incapable of picking up anything I drop without one of those Grabber things I'd previously only seen used by the cleaners on the London Underground!

But I am getting off the point. What I'm trying to say is I know this is normal and par for the course and to be expected. But I feel sorry if I am letting down friends and family who expect me to be capable of doing so much more. I am sure I seem very dull, boring, miserable and negative just now and that is one of the main things that is getting me down. I don't even need people to tell me I am not those things - I just need them to say that it is okay to be that way.

Unfortunately as my GP and I agreed there isn't much I can do about that. However Julie Andrews may just have provided the answer - perhaps what I need to be doing is thinking about My Favourite Things...

And so I will leave it there for now and go and ponder on Warm Sunny Days, Beautiful Sandy Beaches, Hot Deep Bubble Baths, Chilled White Wine, Walkers Cheese and Onion Crisps, the music of Westlife, my wonderful family and, whisper it quietly, Daniel Craig...

I'm sure that I will say this again but a very Happy Easter to you all.

Linda x

No Blog Today

As I typed in the subject line I realised I have used it before (Google kindly reminded me). At some point I will look up that post to see if I felt as rotten as I did today.

I don't want to blog it as I don't want to come across all miserable and negative.

Suffice to say that tomorrow is another day. I'm sad I can't get to church for Good Friday service, will have to be sure to give due reverence to the hot cross buns Dave's promised to pop out for in the morning (as I forgot to buy any.)

For now I shall lie here and wait for Ian to get home from this stupidly late shift so that I can turn the light off and get some sleep and escape from the pain...

Happy Days