Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Is this a good idea?

Two blog posts in one day. Hmmm... hence the title of this post.

Word is definitely getting round about my "little operation" which is definitely what I wanted. As someone blessed with so many amazing friends; people who have come into my life over the past 50 years and touched it for a reason or a season or forever, I didn't want to disappear for three months or so and for you all to think that I didn't care enough about you to be in touch.

So many of you lovely people have emailed me. Texted me. Dropped by my desk to speak to me. Phoned me. Or even commented here. I am overwhelmed but of course this does make it rather "real". If I were to back out now - which I am oh so sorely tempted to do - then I would probably have to explain to about 300 people why I was being a bit of a "Woos" (sp?) and notgoing ahead with surgery which could massively improve my quality of life....

But the thing is this - so many of you lovely people are calling me brave. Brave for having this surgery, brave for blogging about it... but I don't feel brave at all. I am terrified. S***ting myself in fact (does blogger delete this post for bad language?)

Others have said that maybe this blog is helping me - in a therapeutic way. Well yes - I think it is actually but does that make it a good idea? In the midst of all of this I am assaulted by images of suffering, death, starvation, throughout the world. How selfish am I to take all these resources for just one person? The reality of course is were I to call up AXA/PPP they would not divert the cost of my costoplasty and fusion to the DEC appeal for Haiti...

So no conclusions tonight - just thanks for the messages, more pleas for comments, and whatever prayers you can muster for this time next week x