But there's been something else. Something so hard to express. Notice my short sentences - the words won't come easily. When it happened/was happening I knew all too well that it was the most fleeting moment, impossible to grasp. Like the brush of a butterfly's wing - not that I have ever felt that. It was here and then gone and I so want to recall it and remember it, capture it and keep it safe.
The lady behind me in church had a pen and I wanted to borrow it and scribble on the pew sheet but what would I say? Let's have a go...
I wanted to go to church this morning. I wanted to take communion. I asked a friend to come with me and thank her so much for doing so - can't have been easy. I fidgeted a lot - church pews and scoliosis have never been a comfortable combination. I tried to focus on the liturgy whilst thoughts of surgery continued to assault my mind. I was grateful for the oh so familiar words and tunes which somehow resonated deep within beyond my conscious thinking.
I can recall exactly the moment - but I am not sure what it meant. Robert - the vicar - broke the bread and recited the familiar words that Christ's body was broken for us. And suddenly there was something. A clarity, an opportunity, a sense of new beginnings, fresh starts, things forgiven, moving on - all that new birth stuff the bible and church talk about maybe?
And then taking the bread and wine and thinking about a young man many years ago facing a gruesome death by crucifixion. Stuff I grew up with, have lived with, struggled with, for so many years.
And then the choir singing an anthem - my peace I leave you, my peace I give you, Be not afraid. Felt the tears pricking but it was okay - no dramatics, no hysterics, just that sense of peace.
So there we are - interested to hear comments from friends of all faiths and none as this blog hasn't been easy to write. The cynic in me could say that anyone facing major surgery would turn to religion and cover all bases. But as someone who "did church" for oh so many years with so much doubt and uncertainty it was kind of nice to feel something - even if I don't know what it was....