When I got the idea of blogging this journey I had my doubts. Who'd be interested in reading about my hospital stay? Would it scare/frighten/embarrass people? Would it just be for my benefit?
But since receiving so many lovely comments and messages here and on facebook, and by card and text, I have realised what a great way it's been to let you know how things are going , and I am SO grateful to Dave and also now to Rachie and Paul, who have taken turns in writing for me.
I have to say it is 100 times easier to chat or dictate than it is to type. This will not be a neat and well ordered post, rather some random thoughts. A shame really as in my mind I have composed pieces of great literary merit but they remain out there uncaptured - for now. I may return to some of the topics that I have been reflecting on as I gain strength and typing is easier. I have a fair bit to say about "being a patient" and the balance of power and control that I have found difficult to manage. I've a fair amount to say about the healthcare system in the UK. And various other subjects that for now my brain cannot quite process. I sit here in a fog, stumbling for the correct keys, having touch typed at 60 words per minute for many years I can barely find the space bar. Perhaps there is a pathway that needs re-mapping somewhere. And multi-tasking is a dim and distant memory, every ounce of energy now is focussed on writing this - and what have I actually said so far?
Well you have heard all the good stuff from my children - thank you! Mr Tucker came to see me this morning and is very pleased with the results of his handiwork (I need to work out where to put before/after pics and xrays as don't want you all to have them forced on you!) He was honest about the level of pain I am in now and to expect in the coming weeks, hence the constant and ongoing requests for prayer and positive thoughts to help me cope. The anaesthetist just popped by and we had a long chat about pain management. Seems there are two types of people - those who put themselves in the hands of the doctors and nurses and unquestioningly swallow the little cocktails of drugs presented to them at regular intervals - and those like me!
As I have (politely) pointed out on several occasions I have thirty or more years experience of pain. I know that diclofenac makes me depressed, that tramadol makes me feel ghastly, that codeine causes constipation. I also know that the hallucinatory effects of morphine can be terrifying (we're talking cats walking down the side of the bed, people at the foot of the bed, green spiders over the walls, pools of blood and red spots all over the walls and floor...) and that diazepam is great as it relaxes me enough to cope with the pain. There are to my mind worse things than intractable pain- such as the fear and anxiety of feeling it getting out of control. It's taken some negotiation but we're now down to paracetomal and dyhydrocodeine with diazepam, and morphine as required. Plus the nystatin of course - not sure I mentioned the horrendous sore mouth I've had since the weekend? Was totally unable to eat and being constantly told "you must eat something" with my response always the same "I can't!" every mouthful felt like acid but when last night I persuaded someone to take a look they confirmed what I thought- such a reief but slightly bizarre to be calling Ian at 10pm to say "Great News! I've got oral thrush... hmmmm......."
Right - lots more to say but drugs kicked in so off to doze. Laters........... xx