Wednesday, 24 February 2010

What's to say today...?

I was wrong about sleeping well last night :-( BUT my insomnia did mean that I had a delightful chat with Rachel for over an hour - so clouds and silver linings and all of that!

We chatted about all that she has been doing - including a Sky Walk. She is braver than me and here is the evidence...!

Rachel hasn't been reading the blog - when I set it up I pretty much told the family not to worry/bother as I didn't envisage it containing as much as it has done! I honestly thought it would be a daily progress update for colleagues and friends (and that family would be getting that information automatically) but gradually the idea of building a resource for others has grown and developed...

More than that however - the blog is somehow charting the emotional journey in a way that would be impossible to do otherwise. Unless I spoke to all the family individually or arranged a conference call each day how would I ever pass all of this stuff on? Besides - much of it is stuff that I couldn't express verbally anyway. This is an okay way to pass a few of the wee small hours - nice cup of tea, a biccie and my blog ;-) So I nagged Rachel to start reading it (I hope you are there now!) and also sat Ian down with my netbook to give it a go. I know Paul and Dave have dipped in and out - I enjoyed their entries so I think that is pretty much the family on here too - along with many others some of whom I have never met or spoken to personally - thank you all so much!

My mum just asked me what sort of day I have had (on msn - how about that? Give it up for one of the super-coolest nannies who's there on msn, on fb, and of course on here!) I can only describe it as mixed. I finished the book I had been struggling to read - not a literary masterpiece by any means but good to get to the last page of "the truth about melody browne" by lisa jewell. Tomorrow I begin "rapture". I ate a bit - not much to be honest but it did include a mini magnum - and it's pretty wonderful not having to even think about thinking about the calories :-) I dozed quite a bit, showered, took delivery of my very lovely retro pedal bin and a whole load of other useful looking stuff...

I discovered Dave's little mat for his laptop stops my legs from burning up, i managed to take all my pills dead on time (but a bit too much oramorph...), I watched a lovely teenage girl take part in the Olympic ice dancing just after her mum died - how brave is that? I got cross because the florist I used to send my mum flowers forgot to put in the Teddy Bear :-( I saw my Boss who kindly schlepped all the way out here to see how I am doing (and presumably will not be expecting me back in the office tomorrow)

All this and more - this minutiae - made up my day. Such things used to make up my lunch hour Or perhaps a bit of time out of my commute. Or an evening's half an hour.

My world is shrinking. Closing in. I am in danger of becoming institutionalised. I still resist the temptation to stay in bed, cry, slob in my pyjamas and eat nothing but biscuits and toast. Please don't let that happen! If the weather is nice tomorrow then I intend to put on a dress (and my Skechers... hmmmm....) and we go to the Grove for Tea - anyone care to join us?

It's about to be midnight. No pills due. Just some relaxing music, love and prayers to and from me to you in cyberspace. Sweetest of dreams xxxxxx

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