Thursday, 18 March 2010

Sorry for the Silence

Thank you to everyone who has messaged me - in whatever way - since Sunday. Many of you have commented on the silence here on the blog. Special thanks to those who've assured me you are thinking of and praying for me anyway - that means a lot. And sorry I have not replied to many of your texts or emails.

Typing- and texting - is increasingly painful. Physically - I guess the muscles under my right arm were cut where the rib was removed to make room for my spine to be rotated and it must be taking some time to heal. For someone who enjoys writing as much as I do this is a real issue and I am getting to the point where I may consider voice recognition software. However that feels like an admission of defeat so I thought maybe a few days rest then try again.

But writing is also difficult emotionally. Any of you that have spoken to me on the phone, skype or in person cannot fail to have noticed how tearful I am. Thank heaven for "Wilko Handy Tissues". It is difficult to talk about how I feel and it's the same writing - even typing this now I have my little pack of ten (tissues) never far from my side.

Being a thoughtful and analytical sort of person I could try and work out why I am so tearful. I hesitate to use the word "depressed" as this does feel to me like a pretty standard reaction to a whole load of circumstances and not therefore a medical condition requiring treatment.

One factor may be the introduction of diclofenac to my drug regime. It has never really agreed with me and we did agree to review it today or tomorrow. Another may be the constipation - I know that to date I have tried to couch this in more discrete language but let's call a spade a spade if that is okay. It seems to me obvious that such a build up of toxins in anyone's body is going to cause problems - not to mention the physical discomfort.

Then there is the lack of appetite - not helped by the above or the general nasty taste in my mouth caused by the drugs - still over 200 a week. Lack of exercise doesn't help here either.

And after six weeks there is the general fear that this will never end. For all the doctors said it seems impossible to believe the pain is still as bad. Lack of sleep, boredom - I could go on - there are just so many reasons not to be cheerful at the moment. And on top of everything else our darling Guinea Pig died yesterday - those of you that knew Leo will understand what a loss that is to the family - he was a real character who- remarkable as it may seem - communicated with us in his inimitable squeaking way whenever he wanted something such as a stick of cucumber. Keegan - the cat - is clearly missing him too. Dave was very brave in conducting the funeral last night but I did manage to get out into the garden to pay my respects - a very sad time.

There are of course reasons to be cheerful too - lots of lovely flowers on the windowsill, dozens of cards that are now hanging up - I'll try to take a photo later - and between them all the family have made a real effort with the food. Dave's scrambled eggs would still win masterchef but Ian's risotto was pretty good, along with nanny's cauliflower cheese and Sarah's creamed leeks...

And the main reason to be cheerful of course is that "it" is over. To my dear friends anticipating surgery - I hope this does not sound too difficult and of course you are younger than me! Everyone's experience is different and the main thing of course is that once the surgery is out of the way it is all about the recovery and no longer worrying about the deterioration and longer term prognosis.

The sun is shining today so hopefully we will get out for a bit later. First I am going to sleep. As I still don't sleep well at night ( I long for the day I can sleep on my side and snuggle up properly) I usually have a nice nap after a bite of breakfast and some painkillers. It was lovely to speak to Rachel on Skype this morning but I am quite tired out now - may even miss Phil and Holly :-(

I'm sorry this post is neither particularly interesting nor cheerful but thank you to those who are still following. Perhaps a huuuuuuuuge flood of prayer and positive thoughts may help me snap out of my self pity - please do go for it.

Will try to resume the daily blogs - or even post something later. Meanwhile have a lovely day and thank you for being there.



  1. Lovely to read your blog today Linda.
    Sorry about Leo-I know what its like to loose a small pet.We replaced our guinea as we missed him so much.
    After seeing consultant today its looking likely I will be going down that same path as you
    Take care and hope your depression eases a little soon.
    Sarah (bluestone)

  2. Lovely to see a post today...I have been checking! All you are feeling is perfectly understandable. Sending you hugs. Lynn x

  3. Dora H was asking after you yesterday ....she has now read the blog and sends you huge amounts of love. She has a friend (who teaches Pilates) and is booked in for a similar op to you so I made sure she had the blog link.Lots of love and prayers. M x