Saturday, 27 March 2010

This really isn't much fun

Most of you lovely followers and friends seem well aware of the reality of this journey so I hope you don't mind what I hope is a relatively rare moment of absolute honesty...

This really isn't much fun.

I'm trying hard to keep the blog upbeat, to see the glass as half full. Where there's a glimmer of hope, positivity, good fortune I latch onto it and try to persuade every fibre of my being to express gratitude. I know there are thousands - millions - far worse off than myself and I frequently tell myself to shut up whingeing, not long and I'll be back at work. Commuting on the Met and Jubilee Lines - now that really is something to complain about...

Seven weeks post op things must be improving. It's hard to see that at times - especially when I have really pain-filled days or even on days like today - after an "appointment" when plans are cancelled as all I want to do is curl up with a hot water bottle and sleep. Only I can't curl up of course - I have to lie on my back. That has to be one of the most difficult things to do.

Rehab is, I think, going quite well. I've progressed from walking to the loo, to walking hospital corridors, to stairs, to the corner shop, to the Cafe (which involved a hill) to various Garden Centres and even the Harlequin and tea in M and S. The thing is though - every step of this is painful hard work. I'm fortunate to be getting out of the house and seeing some nice places - much of this could be done on treadmills and machines in a hospital rehab centre. In fact that may start soon if the physio decides not to opt for hydrotherapy (another one for P and PV* please...)

But each outing is an enormous effort, often involves tears, and usually means when I get home I come straight back to bed and sleep. Today's been like that, even without the planned supermarket visit. We got back from Leavesden and I slept for three hours - doesn't bode well for tonight I know. And then I woke up miserable and tearful. Ian had made delicious sausage and mash with lots of veg and onion gravy (bangers and mash being one meal that works very easily for a veggie in a meat eating household) and I decided to eat downstairs with Dave and him. The pain was unbearable, sitting upright on a stool eating from the table, I lasted about five minutes and dinner was wasted. In floods of tears (it's been a very soggy day) I came back to bed and ate a pot of ice cream lying on my back! Have to say it was delicious - Waitrose Organic - Strawberry flavour. But it wasn't sausage and mash and I didn't fancy eating that lying on my back - sorry!

The point here isn't to paint a miserable "woe is me" picture, honestly. It's just to try and somehow explain the reality. I'm wary of saying too much as I know some of you are facing surgery yourselves. As I said to Dave this evening - it is very easy when we opt for surgery to say that we have to write off three (or maybe six...) months, expect and cope with the pain, and know that we have "future-proofed" ourselves against a wheelchair bound old age with respiratory problems. Easy to say but less easy to live through. Even with all the support in the world it's impossible to deny it is tough to be in such pain and to feel so useless. There are so many things I long to do - not least support and help other friends and family members. The most useful thing I did this week was wipe the windowsill (the sunshine - lovely as it is - made the dust and sticky patches way too obvious!).

Hopefully tomorrow I will write a few more letters - I genuinely enjoy doing that (just wish I hadn't lost so many of your addresses when I changed computers...). We will probably get to the supermarket and I will try to blog something more cheerful. I'm sorry for this less than positive post - perhaps I just needed to get things off my chest as already I feel brighter for sharing with you all.

Thanks by the way for offers of lists to hydro/physiotherapy - will definitely take you up on those once we know more.

Palm Sunday tomorrow - will be sad not be be in church watching the children march around with their branches. I'd love to go but the reality is sitting in a pew - even if I took several pillows - for more than ten minutes or so -would finish me off for the day. Even so it is the start of an important and Holy Week and I will endeavour to find some way to mark and remember it.

Enough rambling - I can tell these days when my posts have gone on rather too long. Thanks to you all for reading. Night night.


*Prayer and Positive Vibes - thank you ;-)

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